I read an article recently about spiritual families (What About the Family in Front of Me?). The author, Captain Michele Ward, spoke of her mother’s recent death and how empty she felt in the aftermath. She stumbled on a Bible verse (Mark 3:31-34) one Sunday during church and had an epiphany. Realizing that her family does not begin and end with blood ties alone, she writes, “God never intended for us to just depend upon and support our own immediate family.”
Mind you, she is not saying we should not depend upon and support our own immediate family. Rather, she is saying it does not end with blood family alone.
This struck a chord.
Awhile ago we had a birthday party for one of our children. I did the preliminary tasks of cleaning, food preparation, and so on. I rolled the chairs and couches with masking tape to get rid of pet fur. I detailed the hall bathroom, the boys’ bathroom (4 of our 5 children are boys). I scrubbed the kitchen tile grout. And yet, even though I knew I had done my utmost best, I had to acknowledge two things:
1-I was nervous. Really nervous.
2-I was kidding myself if I thought I was doing this to be a good hostess concerned with my guests’ comfort alone.
While it is true that I wanted my guests to be comfortable I also knew I had done my best. So why was I nervous? This was a simple family birthday party.
Because family was still going to talk. No matter what I did, I knew someone was going to say something. Whether it was outright in-your-face negative, behind-your-back secretive or a passive aggressive manuever (and said to a child of mine, “Oh your house is so clean now! Do you like it? It wasn’t always this way…”), it was bound to happen. Even by the nicest among us.
Why did I care? After all, I had done my best.
I worried because I cared about the people who would do the talking. And therein lies the rub.
We often have a disconnect between the family we crave and what is actually possible out of the blood-family we have.
After (way too) much thought I offer these points to consider:
1) As much as we want total acceptance out of our blood family, we must first be okay with not having it.
2) To up the ante, we must also first be willing to extend unconditional acceptance to our family members to the best of our human ability. This is hard to do and it is true that you might not ever have this acceptance reciprocated.
3) We all have “belonging needs.” They are real and if ignored there will be eventual hell to pay. Isolation is good for no one. Unless you’re a monk. But if you’re a member of society, it doesn’t always work. You will come into contact with others--family, friends and strangers.
4) In regards to #3, choose wisely.
I can count on one hand those who have my best interests at heart. Alright, two hands. I am blessed. (These are not always the same people who believe they know what is best for me.) A few of these people are blood family and the rest are my spiritual family/true friends. Despite having a perpetually chaotic life (5 kids y’all….it’s no joke), I make damn sure I make time for these people. They support me in every little way I go and if I stray, they correct me gently but firmly.
It was not always this way. The major players in my life were all blood-related at one time. However, you need your chosen family, i.e. your spiritual family just as much, if not more so. A good dog or cat wouldn’t hurt either.
Your chosen, spiritual family builds you up and helps you achieve your goals. This should never be ignored or taken lightly. We need these people in our lives. They keep us honest: To ourselves, to each other, and to others. And they keep us healthy. In return we do the same. In a spiritual/chosen family, everyone ultimately wins.
Take some time to think about it. Who is in your chosen family? Are you making time for them?
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