Personal Happiness Versus Group Happiness

It’s a funny thing, trying to balance personal happiness with group happiness.

We are a big family with five children.  We also like to do things with our extended family (which, incidentally, is also big).  We are blessed to have our family close to us, which is something that needs to be remembered during these big  family outings.

We joke that we are a critical mass when we are together.  Or at least, I joke that we are.  We need to work together or it is pure chaos.

In our immediate family of husband, me, and our five children I can count at least five of us who are naturally headstrong and stubborn.  That’s not including extended family members who are also just as feisty and headstrong (and sometimes in a passive way--the tricksters of our family).

Something I tell my kids, that I also need to hear (isn’t that always the way?), is that we must not be so quick to push our way.  There is joy in giving and in allowing other’s needs to come first.  I know that is not very modern of me.

Afterall, we are told to shoot for dreams and to not let anything or anyone stand in our way.  Personal happiness is VERY trendy right now and the paths that are presented to us by mass media often proclaim that the way to happiness is putting yourself first.  Me, me, me.

But what if you could hold back for a moment?  Most parents realize the joy in seeing their children do something they love.  We get this on a gut level.  But we have a hard time doing this with other adults.

There is a balance to be struck between putting other’s needs/wants ahead of your own needs/wants and also being an advocate for yourself.

On a recent zoo trip, my 11-year-old son asked me what I most wanted to see at the zoo.  I told him that I’d like to see the koalas but I most wanted to see the birds of prey as they are my favorite animals (besides seahorses and butterflies...and alpacas).  He said, “Then we will make sure you see them Mommy!”  He, obviously, is the peacemaker in the family and not one of the stubborn ones.   Yes, it’d be nice but  I reminded him that the zoo trip is about the kids, not the adults and I’d be fine seeing my birds of prey up close on YouTube in the comfort of my own home, minus all the other zoo-goers.

It is possible to meet your needs while also allowing for the happiness and strivings of others.  You can be your own advocate and do what you want in time.  It takes creativity, perseverance, and resilience.  And patience.  And, most importantly, the realization that it might not be reciprocated back to you.   That's okay though.  In a perfect world, we'd all support each other.  It's not a perfect world but that doesn't give you an excuse to act out.

I learned this as an adult.  And I see other adults who never learned this or completely ignored it.   I’m hoping to save my children the trouble of many years of self-inflicted chaos borne from being too pushy.  I might just be pissing into the wind.  They may be too young to get it.   I’m hoping, though, that I’m planting a seed.  Only time will tell.