"Humble pie is a best eaten warm." I don't know who said that (maybe just me) but someone should have.
You see, there are times in our relationships and friendships where, quite shockingly, we are wrong. And sometimes when we're called out on being wrong, we fight back. We refuse to acknowledge the truth of the matter...that we were being petty, jealous, critical or downright mean. Who....me?!
Our friend or lover tells us. Maybe they don't say it very politely or maybe they tell us in not so many words. But we are made aware.
It is at this point that I usually try to figure out if my husband is correct or if he has lost his damn mind. I almost nearly always believe that he has finally cracked this time. And it is only recently that I've figured out that not only are my assumptions wrong (shocking, I know. But assumptions? How could they be wrong?) but, also, that I should apologize immediately. Even if he's wrong. Even if it turns out that he was being a moody cuss last Tuesday evening when he let me know that sometimes I talk to him in a demeaning manner, I still apologize.
Because here is the deal: There is at least a 50% possibility of him being spot-on. Probably higher since he is pretty sane and not likely to take things personally. So, for the sake of argument, let's say he has a 70% chance of being right about my actions or behavior. If I apologize up front and immediately, it's done. Because, if nothing else, it is true for him in that that moment and since he doesn't make it a nightly habit to tell me where I'm wrong in life, I can hear him out when he does. Even if I believe that despite his 70% chance of being right, he is 110% wrong.
Last Tuesday night, when he told me about my tendency to be harsh and critical, I told him I was sorry because I didn't mean to actually be harsh and critical. I told him that, too.
Later, I replayed what had happened (once I was past the shock of a loved one putting a mirror up to your face) and I thought, "I actually can see how he interpreted it that way. He's not being paranoid. Yes, it wasn't my intention but neither can I blame him for seeing it that way." I brought it up when we were calm and again, not only apologized for my callousness and restated my lack of cruel intention, I also told him I completely understand why he thought that and I would aim to not be so tactless in the future.
If, after thinking about it, I felt he was in error I would bring it up to him at a time where we're both calm. Just like the above situation. I would do *exactly* what I did in admitting it. At the end, however, I would state my case.
Chances are scenario #2 won't happen as frequently as the first one.
But the thing is....you're probably going to end up eating humble pie. Humble pie is a dish best served warm and devoured quickly. You can always go back and re-dress the subject at a later time when hurt feelings or exasperation are not the ruling forces in your conversations.
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