More on assumptions and mind-reading

It seems the years have etched insecurity into my brain.  Maybe into your brain too.

Recently I went to go hang out in the garage with Phil while he cleaned some metal for recycling (leftovers from home projects).  As I was about to walk out there I thought, “Oh, he’s probably going to think ‘Why is she out here? What does she want?’ and I stopped and thought, Wow….that would make Phil a total bitch.  But I still went out there, deciding to stand-up to this mental bully and test its cranky hypothesis.  I walked out there and he turned around and said, “Hey Baby! What’s up?” with a big, bright smile.  Wow.  I’m glad I tested it out. 

I always assume people are thinking something mean….like I’m trying to beat them to the punch and anesthetize myself with self-inflicted pain before others can get to me.  It’s the first sting that hurts the most, no?  Do it to myself and others’ insults won’t wound as bad.  The thing is, I’m usually wrong.  This means I walk around insulting myself all day and it turns out to all wrong.  All that pain, all in error.  And, after the painful self-harming, an attempt to control the pain, I become numb from the shock.  Therefore whenever someone might say something to hurt me I am ready—I am numb.  And there won’t be any startled responses or surprises to the painful stimuli when someone says something that hurts me. Usually, surprise, shock and being startled are mostly unpleasant experiences.  And those emotions plus any additional pain are mostly something we would want to avoid or protect ourselves from.  Yet, our very methods of coping with outside pain by beating others to the punch inflict more pain on a more regular basis.

I have decided it is better to once in awhile be caught off guard by an unkind word and feel its full impact than to always walk around self-inflicting harm on myself. This takes conscious effort.  You can’t just decide to break a mental habit and then expect it to work.  Your feelings will tell you when you are thinking an unkind thought towards yourself, assuming something unkind.  So pay attention to your feelings and when you feel discouraged, upset, guilty, or any other negative emotion try to identify the thought that preceded it and address it in a healthy way.  Assumptions and negative thoughts towards the self are deeply ingrained habits and when attempting to change them you will falter.  Don’t assume that this is further evidence of your shortcomings.  It is normal and human.  Just keep practicing, one thought or assumption at a time.

Also, realize that your worth is not dependent upon how someone might be thinking about you or not.  Or how they treat you.  Negative or positive.  Because the door swings both ways.  You can easily let others sway you when they are positive.  Yes, compliments are nice and we should accept them.  But we shouldn’t let them go to our head, nor let the critical words go to our heart.