Coping

I was apologizing for being a chatterbox and telling my husband that as much as I would like to promise him that I would change, the fact of the matter is, I won't.  Because, I reasoned, I've been doing this talking thing for a long time.

Before I could talk, I'm told that I prattled on about who-knows-what to my babyself while I played on the floor with blocks or sat in my crib staring out the window.  It's what I do.  In fact, I used to sing to myself.

This got me to thinking, how good must my brain chemistry been when I was a baby? I mean, I'd have to be pretty much in a "I just hit the lottery" state now to get me to sing to myself.  And it's not like my situation was unique.  Lots of babies coo and sing. 

It would seem then, that we're mostly born pretty happy.  For a nation under the influence of anti-depressants, we all started out pretty darn content.  Many of us are under the assumption that we are victims of bad brain chemistry.  Our levels are off.  But why? 

I've been told it's genetic.  I was bound to be a more anxious person prone to depression due to my heritage of nervous folk.  Yet, I marvel at the early home videos of me (circa late 70s when sound wasn't an option).  I giggle at the drop of a hat.  I giggle so hard that you don't need sound to hear me.  It's all over my face.  Pure joy.  Easily. 

Although there are exceptions to the rule, most anxious or depressed people started out with brain chemistry that was just peachy.  A-okay.  So what went wrong?

I might not be a psychologist or doctor, but I have read and experienced quite a bit in this arena and all signs seem to point to stress as the culprit.  An inability to deal with stress in a constructive manner will eventually leave you depleted and anxious.  (Read that again.)   

It can still be understood as a brain chemistry problem but we know enough now to understand that brain chemistry is influenced by our thoughts.  What we think changes what chemicals are being produced.  Enough stressful thoughts coupled with zero coping skills and you end up overloaded and burnt out. 

The crappy part is that not too many of us born before 2000 had good models for coping skills.  It just wasn't taught.  Speaking on behalf of my generation (Generation X) I can say that we were shown all the ways to NOT treat stress: Overeating, alcohol & drug abuse, burying negative emotions, gambling, and workaholism. 

Stress reduction started trending in the 90s for the most part.  I always felt that I had contained all the stress I could, i.e. eliminated what could be eliminated and dealt with the rest.  But it wasn't until I realized that stress reduction was only half the equation when I found the secret of coping and soothing skills.  That is the other piece that sometimes goes unnoticed. 

I think it is fair to say that with our current reality, everyone is need of coping skills for stress. 

What can you learn to cope?  A Google search will render a million ideas from counting to ten and deep breathing to long, hot soaks in a bathtub.  I think the key, though, is first being aware.  Notice when you are starting to tense up and ask yourself why. 

In chronic pain management workshops they tell you that your body reacts to the thoughts you are having.  If you can notice when you tense up or have a visceral negative reaction, it can flag you to the fact that you're having a negative thought or reaction.

We are lucky, I believe, because we now have a plethora of stress relief options.  Massages, aromatherapy, Qi Gong, Tai Chi, Yoga, meditation, etc. 

But the thing with stress relief options is that they treat the  body/mind/soul after the stress has already attacked.  What if you could avoid the damage in the first place?

It might seem an impossible dream but a little practice goes a long way.  If the goal of stress reduction is to reduce the instances of when stress strikes, the goal of coping skills is to find a way to minimize stress's damage when it does strike.

By becoming mindful to your negative reactions you will be able to pinpoint the cause.  The stress management section at Helpguide.org instructs that the ways to cope with stress are by changing the situation or by changing your reaction to it. 

Specifically, you change the situation by avoiding it if it is unnecessary or altering it in some way.  Changing your reaction to it can be done when by accepting or adapting to the stressor.

Each situation is unique, but following the above guidelines is helpful in most cases. 

I don't know about you, but the more I cope well with the negative, the more cheerful I get, naturally.

More on assumptions and mind-reading

It seems the years have etched insecurity into my brain.  Maybe into your brain too.

Recently I went to go hang out in the garage with Phil while he cleaned some metal for recycling (leftovers from home projects).  As I was about to walk out there I thought, “Oh, he’s probably going to think ‘Why is she out here? What does she want?’ and I stopped and thought, Wow….that would make Phil a total bitch.  But I still went out there, deciding to stand-up to this mental bully and test its cranky hypothesis.  I walked out there and he turned around and said, “Hey Baby! What’s up?” with a big, bright smile.  Wow.  I’m glad I tested it out. 

I always assume people are thinking something mean….like I’m trying to beat them to the punch and anesthetize myself with self-inflicted pain before others can get to me.  It’s the first sting that hurts the most, no?  Do it to myself and others’ insults won’t wound as bad.  The thing is, I’m usually wrong.  This means I walk around insulting myself all day and it turns out to all wrong.  All that pain, all in error.  And, after the painful self-harming, an attempt to control the pain, I become numb from the shock.  Therefore whenever someone might say something to hurt me I am ready—I am numb.  And there won’t be any startled responses or surprises to the painful stimuli when someone says something that hurts me. Usually, surprise, shock and being startled are mostly unpleasant experiences.  And those emotions plus any additional pain are mostly something we would want to avoid or protect ourselves from.  Yet, our very methods of coping with outside pain by beating others to the punch inflict more pain on a more regular basis.

I have decided it is better to once in awhile be caught off guard by an unkind word and feel its full impact than to always walk around self-inflicting harm on myself. This takes conscious effort.  You can’t just decide to break a mental habit and then expect it to work.  Your feelings will tell you when you are thinking an unkind thought towards yourself, assuming something unkind.  So pay attention to your feelings and when you feel discouraged, upset, guilty, or any other negative emotion try to identify the thought that preceded it and address it in a healthy way.  Assumptions and negative thoughts towards the self are deeply ingrained habits and when attempting to change them you will falter.  Don’t assume that this is further evidence of your shortcomings.  It is normal and human.  Just keep practicing, one thought or assumption at a time.

Also, realize that your worth is not dependent upon how someone might be thinking about you or not.  Or how they treat you.  Negative or positive.  Because the door swings both ways.  You can easily let others sway you when they are positive.  Yes, compliments are nice and we should accept them.  But we shouldn’t let them go to our head, nor let the critical words go to our heart.

The Dangerous Art of Mind Reading

Why this compulsion to quickly think the worst of yourself before others get the chance to?  We assume that we can read minds and thus, come up with the worst thought about ourselves that we can conjure .  We let other’s perceived thoughts and opinions about us become our reaction to ourselves.  What a waste this is when we’re wrong.  What a bigger waste if we are right.

I think it’s akin to hurting ourselves before the world can, just in case (as we are willing to bet) it most likely will do to us.  This reminds me of someone who self-harms.  They cut themselves to feel that pain before another can cut from the outside.  To exert some control in an otherwise hurtful situation.  It’s like saying, “I already know this error of mine and furthermore, I’ve already called myself that very name that you must be thinking, so thanks but keep your insult to yourself.”

And, after our painful self-harming, our attempt to control the pain, we become numb from the shock. Therefore whatever someone else hurls at us negatively we are ready-we are numb.  And there won’t be any startled responses or surprises to the painful stimuli, both of which cause uncomfortable sensations to the body and mind-richocheting around in an adrenalin-ridled ride.  Because we expected it.  Surprise, shock, or being startled are mostly unpleasant experiences.  And those emotions plus any additional pain are mostly something we would want to avoid or protect ourselves from. Yet, our very methods of coping with outside pain by beating the world to the punch inflict pain as well.

There is another way.  Instead of numbing ourselves, we can try comforting. 

I am learning to love myself.  I know I used to when I was younger.  I was my most favorite playmate.  When did that change?  It changed when I let some ninny with their opinion (real or otherwise) override my opinion of myself.  I mean, deep down I love myself.  I would not want to be anyone else.

Remember this moment in time, thinking back to the real you and remember the feeling of love for yourself.  You remember her.  This girl you liked to spend time with.  She was a good friend.  A comforting friend.  And you liked yourself.  All you needed to be happy was yourself.  It all came natural.

Now years have etched insecurity into my brain.  Maybe into your brain too. To remember that we must get to the heart of the matter, under the pain and frustration.  What’s the main thing that is scaring you?  You are-I am, too magnificent to deal with this situation.  I will stop playing mind games with myself and beating myself up.  My worth is not depending on how someone treats or regards me, negative or positive.

You are enough.  Go have a free life.  Keep busy in a happy way.  Don’t wait.  Please don’t wait.  Make yourself more of a gift to the world.

For starters, don’t talk bad about yourself.  This is a deeply ingrained habit and when attempting to change it you will falter.  Don’t assume that is evidence of your shortcomings.  It’s normal and human.  Practice correcting one negative thought a day.  You don’t have to catch every bad thought.  I have the resolution to not insult myself, but it is taking me awhile to reach that goal.  But at least I am working towards it.

Second, it’s important to look in the mirror and really see the person staring back at you.  That’s you.  What are your gifts?  What are your passions?  Don’t worry if you don’t immediately know the answers.  That means that you are in for an adventure.  You get to try out different things in search of what rings your bell.

Third, during life you will, as you know, encounter some bumps in the road. How much more it is important to be your own ally.  The strength inside will amaze you but only if you tend to the treasure within.  Don’t worry about becoming selfish or too self-absorbed.  Although that fear comes from a good place—it isn’t likely to happen.  Instead, self-awareness and self-nurturing will lead to a joyful wholeness in which you are better able to give from.

Your job now is to get to know yourself.  Find out what makes you joyful or ignites your passion or makes your heart glow.  Personally, I love art and books.  These things bring me such joy.  For you it may be taking long walks, listening to uplifting music, or helping others.  But, whatever it is, consider this your fact-finding mission.  For fun, on a daily basis, keep track of what makes you joyful or ignites your soul, in a notebook or journal.

Once you are armed with this information you can consciously give to yourself. This is how you love yourself.  This is how you care for yourself.  Because once you have a good relationship with you, then the real living starts!  Life starts to matter more and you can honestly say you are doing what you were born to do—live fully.

Self-Comparison and Self-Compassion

I am reading The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women by Gail McMeeken.  It is a fast read.  Her tone and rhythm are well balanced and are particularly easy to follow.  I am learning about confronting the inner critical voice and carving out time to follow my heart or listen to it.  That rest is required, sitting and daydreaming are necessary for creative ideas to occur. 

But the demon I must confront is my own critical self-assessment of myself.  It is a cognitive error, a slippery trap that you don’t even know your falling until you find yourself in the pit, trapped again.  How is it that I get this side of myself, this critical, unhealthy voice out?  How did I catch it? Is it a natural product of our current culture? Catching a “negative self-perception” virus?  Is it inflicted upon us by media and Hollywood?  

Making us feel we must measure up?  But haven’t we felt that way for a long time?  Even before the days of TMZ and Us Weekly magazine, women were comparing themselves, unfavorably, to the perception of what was beautiful.  It doesn’t mean it should continue.  We must find a way to counteract that critical inner voice, the one that tells you that we’re not good enough, won’t succeed, or we’re not the right size, color or age. 

This is just another shade of being mean to yourself.  Before I discussed how mindreading and assuming the worst is really only a negative farce intended to get you to be mean to you.  Now I am asserting that another way is by comparing ourselves to others, unfavorably.  It robs you of your joy.

Joy is found when you are happy with who you are, where you are, and how you are.  These situations would naturally occur when given half a chance but we usually snub them out early.  Mindreading and assuming the worst, coupled with comparing yourself will rip the joy right out the moment. 

One night I was getting dressed in my sweatpants and matching sweatshirt, in preparation for bedtime.  I felt snuggly and life just felt nice at that moment.  I glanced in the mirror and immediately switched to thinking that my gut looked more inflated than I imagined it to be and was I just having a perception problem? Or, what if all along people see me and think I’m fat?  I immediately didn’t give myself or the perception the benefit of the doubt.  And what I mean by that is that I didn’t test the thoughts against reality.  I was self-centered and self-abusive at the same time.  And it happened in a flash.  Life…it happens in flashes.  One quick flash to another.  Sometimes the flashes seem to last forever and other times it seems like they didn’t stay long enough. But they are flashes all the same.  Sparklers in the universe.  ‘

So again, I’m confronted with however are we to become able to short circuit this self-inflicted painful cycle?  If it really happens that fast, do we have any control over it?  The first thing to do is realize that the reason it is kneejerk or feels like a reflex is because it is a habit.  Somehow, someway you and I picked up critical thoughts about ourself and then we proceeded to repeat them over and over to ourselves.  So the first thing is to make it into a positive habit.  Yes, this takes mental effort, practice and exercise.  You’ll have to consciously re-route yourself when you catch yourself having a negative thought about yourself.  You won’t be able to catch all of the negative thoughts so don’t even try.  But know this: You don’t have to for this to work.  All that has to happen is that you consciously re-route the negative thought to its positive opposite and do so on a regular enough basis for it to take hold and start carving one of those beautiful neural pathways. 

The second thing is, really, the first and that is mindfulness.  When we practice mindfulness and stay in the moment but distance ourselves or detach from our death-grip hold on our thoughts we can view them from a broader stance.  You can view your possible kneejerk reaction to something, that is, the negative thought and staying mindful, simply don’t take hold of it.  If you have to do anything, just say to yourself, “Hmmm….I wonder if my perceptions are off today.  Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion.”  Know that the negative thought is a lie.  It almost always is a complete lie.  David Burns, in his best-selling book, Feeling Good, says, “Our research has documented that the negative thoughts which cause your emotional turmoil nearly always contain gross distortions.” (3) A cognitive error.  So you can catch that negative thought in a loose mental net and say, “This is quite likely to be false and I am practicing some sort of error.  I know this because it is proven to be true.” 

Be nicer to yourself.  I’ll be nicer to me too.  It sounds mushy and new age-y but what if it works? And, what else do you got to lose?