Another way we sabotage ourselves is by resisting things
that are good for us, especially when that thing that is good for you requires
you to experience something new. Yet having new experiences, in due moderation,
is part of what makes for a good, well-lived life. What is it that we are resisting
exactly? For some it is the
uncomfortable feelings that ensue during times of change. Doing something good for ourselves is a
change and that makes us feel uncomfortable.
For others, the rut they are in is just too cozy to escape. Fighting inertia to do something, even if
that thing is a positive action may feel like just too much. I know this happens with me quite
steadily. And then there’s the problem
with inconsistency, you can start taking good care of yourself, but, you
figure, it won’t last long so you resist
starting at all.
You’re afraid to be uncomfortable
(in other words, you are scared)….
The first issue is when we are afraid of being uncomfortable. This is when we feel like we can’t endure the
troubling emotions and sensations of change.
In fact, when we’re in the middle of change we might panic, quite
literally. You may find yourself to be
prone to anxiety attacks. The thing with
panic attacks is that they feel as if they are non-stop and destined to escalate
to the point of your demise-mentally, physically or emotionally. At your most panicked is the worst it will
get, never further than that. That is
something important to remind yourself of.
As unpleasant as the feelings and emotions are that you are experiencing
during change, they won’t kill you.
Another thing to tell yourself is, “Okay, I can handle this
environment too.” That is affirming to your mind (which informs your nervous
system and vice versa) that you can handle this uncomfortable experience. Sure you might be very anxious and just as
uncomfortable. But it will plateau and
then fade away. Ironically, these
anxiety attacks usually leave you feeling a strange calm in its aftermath.
Reframing the situation is another way to deal with
unpleasant emotions. Take the situation
that is troubling you and think about it for a second. What emotions come up? Now, with that in mind, pretend you had to
explain the situation, in a reassuring way, to a child. What would you say? Would you tell the child it was all going to
work out and be okay? Can you tell yourself
the same thing about this situation?
The uncomfortable emotions will not last forever, whether it
is a low-grade uneasiness or a full-on panic attack. And it won’t lead to your demise either. Breathe deeply. And slowly (otherwise you’re just
hyperventilating!). The thing to do is
train yourself to accept what you are feeling, reminding yourself that this too
will pass and you will come out of it all the stronger for it.
You’re too
comfortable…
If you’re issue is with being too comfortable and cozy in
your rut then I have a tip for you. In
fact, this category could be argued as being part of “being afraid of becoming
uncomfortable.” Because a lot of people will mistake being in a comfortable rut
as being the same thing as living a contented life. There is a fine line. But sometimes it isn’t about being afraid of
change which is why I have included this in a separate section. Sometimes you are just stuck in a ditch in
life. It might a pretty ditch, decorated
quite nicely and rather comfy. But be
not mistaken, it is all the same a ditch.
And taking the easy road does not lead to your dreams. When faced with
the idea to do something good for yourself, and you think, “No, I’d rather just
stay where I’m at,” consider this: How will you feel in two hours if you
haven’t pushed yourself to do what you know you must? How much better will you feel, having
accomplished your goal? Focus on those
positive emotions, using the positive energy to propel you forward and choose
to go in that direction.
And then you must push yourself to do it. It will take effort as many things in life
do. So you push yourself to do it and
you might find out that you’re like me and after you’ve done a little bit of
whatever it is that is good for you and start to meet with a little resistance,
you say, “OK, I did it! Yay me! All done
for now,” and try and slip off the hook.
This is dangerous. You must train
yourself to stay at the activity. You
will see that as it becomes a little difficult or you meet with a creative
challenge that the impulse to go ahead and stop for the day becomes almost
reflexive in nature. “No, I must press
on!” is what you have to tell yourself.
I have a goal. I will feel like
crap if I don’t force myself to meet it.
You must press on, whether what is good for you is eating healthy or
writing a book. Whatever facet of life
you are approaching, you will meet with a challenge when you set about doing it. It will happen at some point or another. And this will be the time you’ll want to bolt
in the opposite direction, quite literally.
I physically have to fight the impulse to stay in my chair and
write. As soon as the words get confused
in my head or the ideas start to intertwine in an unusual way and understanding
becomes too hard for the moment, I fight to stay seated. I literally will shift around in my chair and
start readying my muscles to stand up and “take a break.” Yes, there are times and places for breaks
but it is not when you are only doing it to run away. Who is kidding who? I know full-well that if I let myself get up
and take an innocent little break, I won’t return to it. Or if I do, I will have to spend the first
fifteen to thirty minutes re-orienting myself to the material and attempting to
enter flow once again. And besides, it
is the lazy creative person who waits for inspiration to act.
When a woman is giving birth and the baby is crowning it is
likened to a “ring of fire” that you feel.
Well, so it is with you and when you start doing that good stuff for
yourself you will be “crowning” so to speak and that ring of fire only means
you are there. Train your Can-Do muscle
and push through it. And as a side note,
there is another advantage to using your Can-Do muscle and training it. There will come a time when life hands you
some true lemons. Real whoppers of
problems and you won’t be able to avoid it or get up and take a break. If you have used your “push through it” and “Can-do”
muscles all along in your regular life, when an unavoidable challenge occurs,
you will be ready and fit for it. It
will not tax or vex you nearly as bad as if you had always been choosing the
easy road in your regular life.
You believe that the only
thing consistent about you is that you’re inconsistent….
And then, lastly, there is the “why even try?” club. This is the group of folks who just know
they’ll quit sooner or later so why even start?
Although I believe there is a time and place to push through it, I also
know there are times to quit. And you
cannot take every time in the past when you have stopped doing something as a
personal failure. It might have been the
wisest thing you could have done about the situation. Above, where I insist on pushing through the
challenges towards what is good for you, towards your goals, I am referring to
when it is something that matters to you.
Something that matters to you is something that will bother you if you
don’t do it. It won’t nag at you in a
perfectionistic way, but in a manner where you feel that every day you avoid
doing this practice, this task, this exercise, this study….everyday that you
resist doing it is a day you disappoint your soul.
Beware of psyching yourself out because any time that you
deem a situation “too” this or “too that,” you make it so. If I say, “I can’t take time to go for a walk
because I’m too busy,” then I am. I just
made it so. It doesn’t matter if I could
rearrange some items in my schedule to find that time because I have already
closed my mind to it. It is so important
to be aware of how you word things because your brain will accept it as
true. More than just accepting it as
true, your brain will actually look for reasons to support what you have
asserted. In Gretchen Rubin’s book,
Happier at Home, she references “argumentative reasoning,” which is to say when
you say one thing or assume a certain thing your brain looks for reasons to
support it. Suddenly, when you say you
don’t have time, then you will end up thinking, automatically, of all the
reasons you don’t have time. You start
calculating work hours, commute time, family time. Any and all of it so that you can convince
yourself that you are right.
Argumentative reasoning can really work against you if you aren’t aware
of it.
And even if in reality I do have the time to take a walk, I
might as well not have the time because I’m not going to find it by assuming
it’s not there. So whether your issue is
that you are scared and you tell yourself, “I can’t take that ceramics class
because I am anxious about meeting new people,” or if you are too cozy in your
comfort zone and tell yourself that you can’t undertake something that is good
for you because you are “too lazy” or “too unmotivated.” It does not matter one whit if these things
are true or false because you have already deemed the situation to be that
way. Knowing that you have this power to
change situations and make them so, how much better would it be to say, “I can
find the time to take a walk,” or “I am brave enough to take that ceramics
class at the local college.” Now you are
calling on your power and the reserves you have had stored up all along. Now you have opened the door some and invited
possibility in. You have made the
difference between whether you are going to put some power behind your life
change or if you are going to let fear, comfort zones or assumptions choose
your destiny.
It seems too simple, that just by telling ourselves we are
strong or brave or smart we can accomplish our goals and start doing things
that are good for us and our lives but it is the first step and it is
necessary. Because what you have been
doing up until now hasn’t worked. Sure,
you will still have to put some work behind your words.
Let me share an example.
I shared above about how I must force myself to sit down and write. Each day it feels impossible. And each day I must tell myself that I have
something to write and I can trust the world enough to hear my message. Telling
myself these things, I motivate myself.
But that does not mean that by telling myself these things I can
circumvent the hard work of keeping myself seated and writing. I have been known to stare at the screen for
prolonged periods of time. It’s not fun
but it is what I must do and everyday that I choose to not do the writing
because I am telling myself I can’t because my situation somehow does not allow
for it, I feel a little more inner pain and disappointment.
Sometimes it is hard to identify which group you fall into
and sometimes you find that you belong in more than one group. It may take some time in the beginning to
become aware of your actions and mindful of the way you behave. Ask yourself, “When I think of doing
something that will improve myself, what comes up for me?” Is the resistance
because you’re afraid? Is it because you
feel too sluggish? Or does it come on
like an inspirational spark but you immediately disregard it as being too
unpractical? If nothing comes up for you
and you meet with no resistance that is wonderful! Go forward towards the good that awaits
you. But more likely than not, you will
find that you avoid doing the things that are best for you. We always avoid doing the one thing we know
we need to do. The key is finding out
why you avoid it and then confronting your block and overcoming it. Once this is done, you are able to start to
follow-through on your plans and goals, instead of just wishing and dreaming of
it with nothing to show.
Following
through on things that are good for you will be fulfilling and rewarding and
you deserve to feel that good in your life.
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