Communication for Thinking People

If you are an analyzer/thinker/philosopher the world is chock full of insight.

The problem is, given enough time and left to our own devices (i.e. uninterrupted) we are able to see:

a) how everything is related

b) every possible motive for someone’s actions, positive or negative

c) WAY TOO damn much into a situation

I pick up on people’s moods and body language very quickly.  I notice subtle shifts.  So I think I can also explain the “why” for these shifts.  And 80% of the time I’m right.  Okay, fine:  70% of the time.

But there are costs to be considered:

* Over-analyzing increases anxiety tremendously.  Personally, I never feel comfortable if I’m over-analyzing a situation. It is not a peaceful state.  (Pondering is another story.)

* Stuck in this other mental world of alternate universes temporarily keeps you out of the present moment.  The present moment, incidentally, is where life is actually happening

*People don’t want to know about it.  Don’t share.  Unless they absolutely beg for it.  And even then: Edit, edit, edit.  Especially if it is about them.  Even if you put it tactfully and make it as non-personal as possible, in the most constructive, gentle way, friends and family are famously, fabulously unreceptive to any sort of insight you might have into their behavior.

To further complicate matters,  if you are a sensitive person the impact of all this sensory input can lead you to falsely believe that if it feels this strongly it must be true. Wrong.

Just because you interpreted a message or someone's actions a certain way doesn’t mean that was what was communicated.

The absolute truth of the matter is whether you over-analyze or not, you can’t trust your senses to give you the whole truth.  You and I simply don’t know why people say/act/react the way they do.  We might pick up on accurate clues once in awhile (70%....I swear!) but we don’t have the full picture.

I’m not saying to throw out your perceptions, feelings and thoughts.  Hell, no.  Never.

But perhaps an understanding is needed.  We can be aware that everyone views life events and others communications/actions through our own filters.  When I was studying for my Communications degree I was taught that everyone has their own frame of reference and it includes their personal past history, past communications with you specifically and other factors such as environment (where the communication takes place), body language & nonverbal communication, among other things.

I’m always saying that if you want your message to be received as intended, the responsibility lies primarily on you.

It also holds true that if you want to make sure that the message you’re receiving from another is just as accurate, you must take just as much responsibility.  If you simply don’t have the time or energy to do this, or it's just not practical, there’s a simple answer: Don’t. But also, for your own sake, don’t jump to conclusions either.

Even if you have a 70% success rate.

Personal Happiness Versus Group Happiness

It’s a funny thing, trying to balance personal happiness with group happiness.

We are a big family with five children.  We also like to do things with our extended family (which, incidentally, is also big).  We are blessed to have our family close to us, which is something that needs to be remembered during these big  family outings.

We joke that we are a critical mass when we are together.  Or at least, I joke that we are.  We need to work together or it is pure chaos.

In our immediate family of husband, me, and our five children I can count at least five of us who are naturally headstrong and stubborn.  That’s not including extended family members who are also just as feisty and headstrong (and sometimes in a passive way--the tricksters of our family).

Something I tell my kids, that I also need to hear (isn’t that always the way?), is that we must not be so quick to push our way.  There is joy in giving and in allowing other’s needs to come first.  I know that is not very modern of me.

Afterall, we are told to shoot for dreams and to not let anything or anyone stand in our way.  Personal happiness is VERY trendy right now and the paths that are presented to us by mass media often proclaim that the way to happiness is putting yourself first.  Me, me, me.

But what if you could hold back for a moment?  Most parents realize the joy in seeing their children do something they love.  We get this on a gut level.  But we have a hard time doing this with other adults.

There is a balance to be struck between putting other’s needs/wants ahead of your own needs/wants and also being an advocate for yourself.

On a recent zoo trip, my 11-year-old son asked me what I most wanted to see at the zoo.  I told him that I’d like to see the koalas but I most wanted to see the birds of prey as they are my favorite animals (besides seahorses and butterflies...and alpacas).  He said, “Then we will make sure you see them Mommy!”  He, obviously, is the peacemaker in the family and not one of the stubborn ones.   Yes, it’d be nice but  I reminded him that the zoo trip is about the kids, not the adults and I’d be fine seeing my birds of prey up close on YouTube in the comfort of my own home, minus all the other zoo-goers.

It is possible to meet your needs while also allowing for the happiness and strivings of others.  You can be your own advocate and do what you want in time.  It takes creativity, perseverance, and resilience.  And patience.  And, most importantly, the realization that it might not be reciprocated back to you.   That's okay though.  In a perfect world, we'd all support each other.  It's not a perfect world but that doesn't give you an excuse to act out.

I learned this as an adult.  And I see other adults who never learned this or completely ignored it.   I’m hoping to save my children the trouble of many years of self-inflicted chaos borne from being too pushy.  I might just be pissing into the wind.  They may be too young to get it.   I’m hoping, though, that I’m planting a seed.  Only time will tell.

He

He-having a rare self-conscious moment

Yesterday, after a dip and play session in the pool he had several questions to ask. 

He wanted to know....

-If I was impressed at how agile he appeared?

-Or if he made a big splash when in jumped in the water onto the floaty board.

-And, lastly, if he looked fat out there in his swimming trunks.

Which is sad.  Because anyone who could ignore his 1,000-watt smile to focus on a little belly fat....well, we might as well feel bad for that type of person because they, not him, have a worse problem. 

I told him he was so agile, made just the right amount of splash and looked very handsome in his swimming trunks because that is the truth.

Humble pie and saying you're sorry...

"Humble pie is a best eaten warm."  I don't know who said that (maybe just me) but someone should have.

You see, there are times in our relationships and friendships where, quite shockingly, we are wrong.  And sometimes when we're called out on being wrong, we fight back.  We refuse to acknowledge the truth of the matter...that we were being petty, jealous, critical or downright mean.  Who....me?!

Our friend or lover tells us.  Maybe they don't say it very politely or maybe they tell us in not so many words.  But we are made aware.

It is at this point that I usually try to figure out if my husband is correct or if he has lost his damn mind.  I almost nearly always believe that he has finally cracked this time.  And it is only recently that I've figured out that not only are my assumptions wrong (shocking, I know.  But assumptions? How could they be wrong?) but, also, that I should apologize immediately.  Even if he's wrong.  Even if it turns out that he was being a moody cuss last Tuesday evening when he let me know that sometimes I talk to him in a demeaning manner, I still apologize.

Because here is the deal: There is at least a 50% possibility of him being spot-on.  Probably higher since he is pretty sane and not likely to take things personally.  So, for the sake of argument, let's say he has a 70% chance of being right about my actions or behavior.  If I apologize up front and immediately, it's done.  Because, if nothing else, it is true for him in that that moment and since he doesn't make it a nightly habit to tell me where I'm wrong in life, I can hear him out when he does.  Even if I believe that despite his 70% chance of being right, he is 110% wrong.

Last Tuesday night, when he told me about my tendency to be harsh and critical, I told him I was sorry because I didn't mean to actually be harsh and critical.  I told him that, too.

Later, I replayed what had happened (once I was past the shock of a loved one putting a mirror up to your face) and I thought, "I actually can see how he interpreted it that way.  He's not being paranoid.  Yes, it wasn't my intention but neither can I blame him for seeing it that way."  I brought it up when we were calm and again, not only apologized for my callousness and restated my lack of cruel intention, I also told him I completely understand why he thought that and I would aim to not be so tactless in the future.

If, after thinking about it, I felt he was in error I would bring it up to him at a time where we're both calm.  Just like the above situation.  I would do *exactly* what I did in admitting it.  At the end, however, I would state my case.

Chances are scenario #2 won't happen as frequently as the first one.

But the thing is....you're probably going to end up eating humble pie.  Humble pie is a dish best served warm and devoured quickly.  You can always go back and re-dress the subject at a later time when hurt feelings or exasperation are not the ruling forces in your conversations.