notes on a wayward son

I wanted to be mad when he told me he had ate my two deep-friend sugar donuts when he came home drunk last night.

But….

He told me while I was riding the high of watching him sign up for his high school diploma program at our local adult school.

So I sighed and said it was okay.

Later, he returned home from the store with my favorite candy because he could tell I was stressed out.

This is how this child keeps alive: Timing and generosity keep Grace on his side.

Also, I have too much sugar in my diet.

Avoidance

Avoidance

Whether you are facing a challenging time and just merely facing a regular day, you know a little something about avoidance.  Anytime we are faced with an unpleasant situation, we come face to face with avoidance.

We learn early how to protect ourselves physically.  We are taught to not touch a hot burner or we run the risk of a painful burn.  In the realm of social skills, we are taught to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.  I know I was.  The purpose of this was plain human decency but also to avoid painful interactions.  If everyone gets along, we all win.

Throughout life we are taught certain rules that help us avoid unpleasant events whether it be physically, emotionally, socially or mentally.  So it stands to reason that we don't really have a good policy on how to confront unpleasant situations other than avoidance. 

I understand this.  Due to a combination of life choices and unforeseen life events, my family has seen its fair share of challenging times.  I always try to rise to the occasion.  At first. 

But there always comes a time when I don't want to look at the bright side anymore.  I don't want to learn the lesson, even though I know I'm doomed to repeat it if I don't.  I don't want to go out and have fun.  All I want to do is absolutely, positively just sit on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and fall asleep.  I want to sleep until everything improves.  It is a reflexive impulse for me.  When life overwhelms me, I want to take shelter by way of napping. 

What about you?  Maybe you drink or eat when life gets to you.  Or watch a lot of TV, surf the web or play video games.  We all need to decompress at the end of a stressful day but when you find yourself doing these things frequently and avoiding what needs to be done, you have to wonder what is really at play.

I can give you reasons why avoidance is not generally a good thing detailing how it leads to ill health and depression but let's just cut to the chase.  We avoid things not because it is an actual effective way of dealing with them but because it feels like it works, if only temporarily. 

But it doesn't work.

Here's what does work;

1. Do Something-

Clean the house.  Go for a walk around the block.  Visit a friend for coffee.  Just get out of the rut.  You know the old phrase, “Use it or lose it?”  Well, it holds true for lots of things, not just muscle.  If you don't expend energy on a regular basis, you don't produce as much.  If you aren't actively using your brain, it starts to hibernate.  So what does this have to do with avoidance?  An active lifestyle boosts your outlook and self-perception.  You feel more able to accomplish tasks if you are already up and about and this includes tasks you otherwise would not like to do.  These intimidating tasks don't seem so scary when you are already up and going.  They shrink is size and are in direct proportion to your outlook.

2-Start Small

Starting small is a popular tactic and for good reason-it works. The thing is we get overwhelmed by projects that are big.  Or sometimes, and is more likely the case, we are overwhelmed by all the projects (big and small) that need working on.  This tends to freeze us in place. 

For some reason we think we must accomplish what we start in one sitting.  I know that is how I prefer to work.  I think on some level we're afraid that if we don't work from Point A to Point B in that one moment we will never get it done.  But in our busy lives this is a luxury.  It is rare to be able to start and finish a project in one day.  The very word “project” indicates that it will require at least a few steps until completion.

Another mental myth that keeps us from starting small is that we think we need to understand exactly what we need to do each step of the way before we even start.  Rarely is this the circumstance in life.  More common are the circumstances where we can only guess at the next right move.  Being able to see five moves ahead is quite uncommon.  You do not need to see the whole project before you start.  Start small with what is ahead of you.

3-Be realistic.

  Author Steven Pressfield says that at the end of the day he doesn't ask himself if he achieved a certain word count or page count.  He doesn't ask himself if what he wrote that day was good.  Instead, he simply asks himself if he overcame resistance.  That's all you have to ask yourself.  Did I overcome resistance today and do something that needed accomplishing? 

Avoidance is a useful mechanism that keeps out of danger, but it also can backfire.  Learn to tell the different between resistance for your own well-being and that which will only keep you in a rut.

Show Up

Show up.  Even when you’re tired.  Even if you’re not feeling at the top of your game.  Especially if you have nothing more to give.  

Just keep showing up.  Be willing.  Depending on (impermanent….all things are impermanent) life or global events, you may have no hope left.  Still, show up.

Expect nothing but still give all you can.  Even if all you’ve got to give is your presence.

This is tricky.  Because when we give all we can and really bring it in life, not everyone responds to that.  I’m not saying they are necessarily adverse to it, but it’s a lot to deal with it, especially if there is a lot going on in their lives.  We’re all busy and running at a fever pitch.  Some people love this and it is not necessarily a bad thing.  In excess though...we tend to get cranky with each other.

So you may not get a response from people.  And your own life circumstances may be slow to respond as well.  Still bring it.  Still show up.

Because, the thing is, you only have one chance at this life.  Even if you believe in reincarnation, you still only get one go-around in this exact life.  And if you give up (and giving up is a slippery ass slope….) there will be no change.  None.

I saw someone call someone else a “defeatist” on Facebook today.  (Definition of “defeatism” per Merriam-Webster:  "An attitude of accepting, expecting, or being resigned to defeat”)

It stopped me in my tracks.  Because truth be told, for various reasons, I’m feeling pretty world-weary/people-wary/life-exhausted right now.

This is my slippery slope and I must be extra-mindful right now to pull myself up by my bootstraps and save myself from it.  No one else can do that for me.  They can listen and try to help but when it comes right down to it we are responsible for saving ourselves.

But, hell no.  I won’t go.  Defeat isn’t even on my radar.  It used to be.  And I let a little blip of defeat in and it took up the whole damn screen and approximately 15 years of my life.  It’s insidious that way.

So the choice is your’s.  Are you going to keep showing up, even when you’re physically/emotionally/mentally tired?  Are you going to at least let down your guard just a little bit so if any good, does, by chance, want to slip in the welcome mat is out?

Will you continue to give your best? If you need to rest first so you’re not a complete reactive mess to everyone you encounter, then by all means rest.  Rest is paramount.

But keep showing up.  Good meets you halfway.

 

Stay Calm

Even when it is scary.  Especially when it is scary.  Stay calm.

I hate unpleasant surprises.  I know---nobody likes them.  But I truly hate them.  I mean I actively try to guard against them.  I take actions to ensure they won't crop up: Double-checking insurance coverage, banking account balances, and if the knobs are in “off” position on the stove.

Back in November of 2003 I found myself in a panic. My husband's source of income stopped abruptly.  I worked part-time just to supplement what he made.  The announcement that his income was ceasing caused me to, initially, freak out. It was then that a wise and beautiful angel administered to my mental and emotional woes.

Barbara, an RN where I worked told me, "This is precisely the time to *not* panic!"

I thought she'd lost her damn mind.  To me, this was, incidentally PRECISELY the time to freak out.

But she was right.  When you panic you lose your mind.  Or at least some of its functionality.  If you're aiming to dumb yourself down, panicking is the right course of action.

Sometimes it is a knee-jerk reaction.  When I lose something I tend to flip out initially.  "Where is it? Where could it be? How could I lose it?"  But I never find what I'm looking for until I pray to St. Anthony.  Maybe it is just the act, though, of calming down enough to pray that gets me thinking in an orderly fashion.

Well all of this was fun to think about but I didn't have any real research to back up my "findings" until now.  The Institute of HeartMath is distributing a publication titled, "The Inside Story: Understanding the power of feelings," and on page 25 it states:

"Positive feelings and smooth, even heart rhythms, however, facilitate or improve the brain's ability to process information...." and "This means that our physical reflexes are faster and we can think more clearly.  We can see more options and solutions to problems and situations than we could before."

It is scientifically proven that the popular-again maxim to "keep calm and carry on" is truly timeless, solid advice.

 Now is not the time to lose your shit.

Faith Is An Action

Every time I go through a crisis or life challenge I learn a little more about faith.

At first, most people approach faith with the same attitude that they do healthy eating or exercising: ”I know I should. Yes, I'm all for it.”

But there is no action behind it.

It is all good and easy to say you've got faith, however life has a peculiar way of eventually testing you on how solid your faith is.  If you so much as wince, you have failed. You're sent back for strengthening and reconditioning classes.

Through these classes you will become intimate with faith. You will wrestle with it on many occasions. At other times, you will marvel at how ethereal faith is, yet so solid. You can't grasp it—not intellectually or physically. You learn that the two places for sensing faith are in your heart and soul.

You will probably always wonder if you are faithful enough. That's part of our culture. Are we good enough? Am I good enough? Is my faith sufficient for today? Or must I go through more? A longer refinement? When is there a cooling off time? Is there ever such a time?

And has your past decisions—not always good, but not always bad, put you in this place where you must be taught again?

And that's the thing with a lot of these type of chaotic situations. One can never tell if they are merely enduring some odd domino effect caused by some earlier action they made. Or if they are being taught something throughout the process, something that is vital to their soul.

I choose to believe in the greater good always being at work. It's hard to see if you're used to focusing on the negative.

But the greater good at work means that even if this whole nasty situation is brought on by yourself or inflicted upon you by some external evil, it will still work out to the benefit of your soul.

But, there's a catch.  You must be willing to learn from life.  Your attitude must be in the right place.  And you must take a leap of faith....a leap that says, "I'm really not sure what the sh-t is going on, but I'm going to suspend judgment and trust that it's all going to work out for the good."

Faith first. Faith that it's going to someday work itself out, faith that there is a greater good at work and faith that there's a Power/Force who wouldn't just send us here haphazardly and for no reason.

We really are too complex of creatures to ever be an accident-our lives do have meaning.

Scientists, real honest-to-God, bonafide scientists have found this to be true.  Humans are not a biological accident or even a natural progression.  There was an outside Force that ushered us along.  Our development into what we are today was at such a rapid pace that it did not happen naturally.  Some of these scientists say it was because of alien intervention.  Take that theory or leave it.  (And when I don't have a school meeting I need to be at in 5 minutes, I'll post the research that verifies this.)  However, I've thought about this a lot and for what it's worth, I believe it was God.  But you have to come to your own conclusions on that.

It follows, then, that although life seems completely random (and yes, I know, bad sh-t happens) there might be something else at play.

I can't explain why, exactly, atrocities happen.  I know that there is still evil in this world.  People do messed up stuff all the damn time.  Even good people find themselves acting out, if even in minor ways.  But that is not within the scope of this post right now.

Right now it's about you.  Are you willing to suspend judgment for a moment and trust just a little bit more?  Take a leap of faith and believe, if only for a moment, that everything you might be facing today is going to work out for the good.  I know it's hard, but faith is an action.

And for every action there is a reaction.  Trust.

On all types of pain...

Also on tonight’s thought runway was the fact that I didn’t get it about pain before now.  Like I didn’t realize that you were supposed to treat it like a bitch.  I thought I had to tiptoe around it, take a pill, do an exercise, take a hot bath, and damn…pretty much romance the damn thing.  But what was needed was for me to look at it, square in the face and say, “Um, step the fuck aside.” And for whenever pain decided to pop up again, for my response to be, “Anyway, I’m on my way.” 

I really cowarded down to it for 2.5 years.  I let it push me around and make a monopoly in my brain.  I read about it.  Researched it.  You’d think I was in love.  No.  None of this was the cure.  Meditating didn’t do much except help you cope in the moment. And meditating is good shit.  But the thing is, it just let the beast run amok when I was not in a meditative state, which is what happened 95% of my time.  Plus I have five kids, and really now?  Really? 

No, it needed firm action.  It was a weapon, a laser that needed to be shut out.  It needed a firm hand and a steady heart.  I needed to talk to it like a misbehaving youth.  We learned in our class that whenever a child throws up an excuse for this misbehavior when you are enforcing punishment, you say, “Nevertheless” and repeat the rule that they broke and “therefore” we are enforcing this rule.  It goes on to say something about loving the child and that is why you were protecting them, yada, yada.  But my pain only required the first half-the firm part.  So it goes: Pain! Ow! And I go: Nevertheless, I am leading a full life today and you must accommodate that. 

I mean, now that I’ve written the two things out about me being mean to myself and self-inflicting emotional pain before others can AND being in physical pain….is it really any wonder?

Just read my Message from God today on Facebook….because I’m sure God takes every opportunity to communicate with us, we just don’t get it.  We’re dense little creatures.  Spirit is so light and feathery, floaty and soft.  But our human bodies are crazy dense.  They filter out so much.  Anyway….knowing that if I’ve opened the door, God may pay me a visit I requested this app on Facebook.  Since then I get some really uncanny messages.  

After coming to this conclusion about my self-inflicted emotional pain and possibly resulting physical pain I received the following Message from God:

“Pain is your wake-up call to awaken, to look deeper into yourself, to adjust the course of your life.”

Organization and Stress

Organization

During times of stress, something I find that helps me cope is to organize my environment.  It has come to be one of my life truths that to organize the inside, sometimes you must organize the outside.  It is also true, vice versa, that to organize the inside is to eventually organize the outside environment. One follows the other. 

Organization leads to improved focus.  But organization isn’t just a one-time deal.  Organizational systems must be maintained.  The most effective system which requires the least amount of maintenance time is most desired.