Avoidance

Avoidance

Whether you are facing a challenging time and just merely facing a regular day, you know a little something about avoidance.  Anytime we are faced with an unpleasant situation, we come face to face with avoidance.

We learn early how to protect ourselves physically.  We are taught to not touch a hot burner or we run the risk of a painful burn.  In the realm of social skills, we are taught to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.  I know I was.  The purpose of this was plain human decency but also to avoid painful interactions.  If everyone gets along, we all win.

Throughout life we are taught certain rules that help us avoid unpleasant events whether it be physically, emotionally, socially or mentally.  So it stands to reason that we don't really have a good policy on how to confront unpleasant situations other than avoidance. 

I understand this.  Due to a combination of life choices and unforeseen life events, my family has seen its fair share of challenging times.  I always try to rise to the occasion.  At first. 

But there always comes a time when I don't want to look at the bright side anymore.  I don't want to learn the lesson, even though I know I'm doomed to repeat it if I don't.  I don't want to go out and have fun.  All I want to do is absolutely, positively just sit on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and fall asleep.  I want to sleep until everything improves.  It is a reflexive impulse for me.  When life overwhelms me, I want to take shelter by way of napping. 

What about you?  Maybe you drink or eat when life gets to you.  Or watch a lot of TV, surf the web or play video games.  We all need to decompress at the end of a stressful day but when you find yourself doing these things frequently and avoiding what needs to be done, you have to wonder what is really at play.

I can give you reasons why avoidance is not generally a good thing detailing how it leads to ill health and depression but let's just cut to the chase.  We avoid things not because it is an actual effective way of dealing with them but because it feels like it works, if only temporarily. 

But it doesn't work.

Here's what does work;

1. Do Something-

Clean the house.  Go for a walk around the block.  Visit a friend for coffee.  Just get out of the rut.  You know the old phrase, “Use it or lose it?”  Well, it holds true for lots of things, not just muscle.  If you don't expend energy on a regular basis, you don't produce as much.  If you aren't actively using your brain, it starts to hibernate.  So what does this have to do with avoidance?  An active lifestyle boosts your outlook and self-perception.  You feel more able to accomplish tasks if you are already up and about and this includes tasks you otherwise would not like to do.  These intimidating tasks don't seem so scary when you are already up and going.  They shrink is size and are in direct proportion to your outlook.

2-Start Small

Starting small is a popular tactic and for good reason-it works. The thing is we get overwhelmed by projects that are big.  Or sometimes, and is more likely the case, we are overwhelmed by all the projects (big and small) that need working on.  This tends to freeze us in place. 

For some reason we think we must accomplish what we start in one sitting.  I know that is how I prefer to work.  I think on some level we're afraid that if we don't work from Point A to Point B in that one moment we will never get it done.  But in our busy lives this is a luxury.  It is rare to be able to start and finish a project in one day.  The very word “project” indicates that it will require at least a few steps until completion.

Another mental myth that keeps us from starting small is that we think we need to understand exactly what we need to do each step of the way before we even start.  Rarely is this the circumstance in life.  More common are the circumstances where we can only guess at the next right move.  Being able to see five moves ahead is quite uncommon.  You do not need to see the whole project before you start.  Start small with what is ahead of you.

3-Be realistic.

  Author Steven Pressfield says that at the end of the day he doesn't ask himself if he achieved a certain word count or page count.  He doesn't ask himself if what he wrote that day was good.  Instead, he simply asks himself if he overcame resistance.  That's all you have to ask yourself.  Did I overcome resistance today and do something that needed accomplishing? 

Avoidance is a useful mechanism that keeps out of danger, but it also can backfire.  Learn to tell the different between resistance for your own well-being and that which will only keep you in a rut.