notes on a wayward son

I wanted to be mad when he told me he had ate my two deep-friend sugar donuts when he came home drunk last night.

But….

He told me while I was riding the high of watching him sign up for his high school diploma program at our local adult school.

So I sighed and said it was okay.

Later, he returned home from the store with my favorite candy because he could tell I was stressed out.

This is how this child keeps alive: Timing and generosity keep Grace on his side.

Also, I have too much sugar in my diet.

2011-2014

I can sum up all I've learned in the last 3 years with:

Don't react.
Don't react.
Don't talk yet.
Think.
Breathe.
Think more.
Now do the thing/say the thing that will make you proud.
Build.
Smile.
Give it your all.
Love yourself.
Enjoy yourself.
Embrace others.
Treat good people well.
Lift others up.
Protect good people.
Forgive, but never forget.
Laugh....as much as you can.
Hug. Or otherwise connect appropriately.

What Reading Your Old Journal Does

1. Some worries never change.

2. Things do eventually get easier.  Or you get better dealing with them.

3. Some gripes never change and that's oddly comforting.  You realize how petty they are, merely things that get at you but won't cause you actual harm.  Sometimes these annoying things fade away only to surface once again in a few years and it will feel new again and you'll worry that you're losing your shit because he left the toilet seat up and lately that's *really* been bugging you.  But as it turns out, it bugged you 4 years ago too.  Somethings annoyances never change and those that go away can come back.  Just make peace with that shit.

5. As with annoyances above, hobbies, also, have a way of coming back around.

6. Self-defeating patterns.  I'm attached to the hubs.  I just am.  And I will always put hanging out with him ahead of time spent channeled towards a hobby. But this leaves me one-dimensional, brittle, hollow and not just a little bitchy.  I seem to have a pattern of this.  

7. I'm making progress down a road that seems to only get more fulfilling.

Avoidance

Avoidance

Whether you are facing a challenging time and just merely facing a regular day, you know a little something about avoidance.  Anytime we are faced with an unpleasant situation, we come face to face with avoidance.

We learn early how to protect ourselves physically.  We are taught to not touch a hot burner or we run the risk of a painful burn.  In the realm of social skills, we are taught to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.  I know I was.  The purpose of this was plain human decency but also to avoid painful interactions.  If everyone gets along, we all win.

Throughout life we are taught certain rules that help us avoid unpleasant events whether it be physically, emotionally, socially or mentally.  So it stands to reason that we don't really have a good policy on how to confront unpleasant situations other than avoidance. 

I understand this.  Due to a combination of life choices and unforeseen life events, my family has seen its fair share of challenging times.  I always try to rise to the occasion.  At first. 

But there always comes a time when I don't want to look at the bright side anymore.  I don't want to learn the lesson, even though I know I'm doomed to repeat it if I don't.  I don't want to go out and have fun.  All I want to do is absolutely, positively just sit on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and fall asleep.  I want to sleep until everything improves.  It is a reflexive impulse for me.  When life overwhelms me, I want to take shelter by way of napping. 

What about you?  Maybe you drink or eat when life gets to you.  Or watch a lot of TV, surf the web or play video games.  We all need to decompress at the end of a stressful day but when you find yourself doing these things frequently and avoiding what needs to be done, you have to wonder what is really at play.

I can give you reasons why avoidance is not generally a good thing detailing how it leads to ill health and depression but let's just cut to the chase.  We avoid things not because it is an actual effective way of dealing with them but because it feels like it works, if only temporarily. 

But it doesn't work.

Here's what does work;

1. Do Something-

Clean the house.  Go for a walk around the block.  Visit a friend for coffee.  Just get out of the rut.  You know the old phrase, “Use it or lose it?”  Well, it holds true for lots of things, not just muscle.  If you don't expend energy on a regular basis, you don't produce as much.  If you aren't actively using your brain, it starts to hibernate.  So what does this have to do with avoidance?  An active lifestyle boosts your outlook and self-perception.  You feel more able to accomplish tasks if you are already up and about and this includes tasks you otherwise would not like to do.  These intimidating tasks don't seem so scary when you are already up and going.  They shrink is size and are in direct proportion to your outlook.

2-Start Small

Starting small is a popular tactic and for good reason-it works. The thing is we get overwhelmed by projects that are big.  Or sometimes, and is more likely the case, we are overwhelmed by all the projects (big and small) that need working on.  This tends to freeze us in place. 

For some reason we think we must accomplish what we start in one sitting.  I know that is how I prefer to work.  I think on some level we're afraid that if we don't work from Point A to Point B in that one moment we will never get it done.  But in our busy lives this is a luxury.  It is rare to be able to start and finish a project in one day.  The very word “project” indicates that it will require at least a few steps until completion.

Another mental myth that keeps us from starting small is that we think we need to understand exactly what we need to do each step of the way before we even start.  Rarely is this the circumstance in life.  More common are the circumstances where we can only guess at the next right move.  Being able to see five moves ahead is quite uncommon.  You do not need to see the whole project before you start.  Start small with what is ahead of you.

3-Be realistic.

  Author Steven Pressfield says that at the end of the day he doesn't ask himself if he achieved a certain word count or page count.  He doesn't ask himself if what he wrote that day was good.  Instead, he simply asks himself if he overcame resistance.  That's all you have to ask yourself.  Did I overcome resistance today and do something that needed accomplishing? 

Avoidance is a useful mechanism that keeps out of danger, but it also can backfire.  Learn to tell the different between resistance for your own well-being and that which will only keep you in a rut.

Major in the good.

Some advice I read recently: "Don't major in the minor." Instantly I understood its implication.  

So much little shit making us so damned jaded, fragmented, tense, cranky.  So many minor little itty bitty pests that bite and sting at us during the day.  All of it minor, yet absorbing most of our daily attention.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if we would only notice the irritation (which is unavoidable anyway, nearly reflexive) but not tend to it.  Don't scratch the itch!  Don't go there.  Just leave the irritating driver and cranky customer where you found them.  Five seconds ago they weren't on your radar and there's no law that says that since you noticed the annoyance when it appeared on your radar, you have to personally keep it there.

Just leave that shit where you found it.  That's what mama and dad always said, right?

So if we're not majoring in minors (which makes you minor in the majors, hey?) we can....maybe....hopefully....surely with deliberate practice start majoring in the majors.  The Good Stuff.

I've always felt Gratitude Journals to be simplistic.  If I'm truly grateful, I will always list my husband, children, friends, family, home, food, heat.  And if I'm just doing the daily stuff like: My coffee, the book I'm reading, the green light when I was running late--I feel like I'm not really doing it right.  Surely, we should embrace whatever positive we can, in any shape we can.  BUT.....I didn't keep up the gratitude journal.

Until recently when I decided to keep a list (sometimes mental, sometimes written) of "what went good," or "Shit that made it good today."  This is the little moments that actually made my heart light up for a moment, a smile lift my face, all that good-good stuff.  

Like:

The nice barista

The patron that flirted with me (who wasn't homeless and/or on drugs),

The co-shopper I helped in line by assisting them while they corralled their kids,

The "how's it going?" check-in text from my spouse,

 A funny joke my teen messaged me,

....all THAT stuff.  

Yeah, major in that.  Live it in the moment and savor it long afterwards.  It makes me happy to do so and it might do you the same way.

Simple solutions

The Mister has bronchitis.  I'm 110% positive it is bronchitis.  If I was a doctor (and I think I should be, at least for home cases alone) I would diagnose it.   This cough has gone on for the past two weeks succeeding a week of the flu. Three weeks of hacking.  

He also does not want to go to the doctor (the fact that they can't even see him before the beginning of February doesn't help his outlook).  So I did a bit of searching and seeing how bronchitis is usually viral I figured maybe, just possibly, we'd be able to sort this particular mess out at home. With any luck.

I read what seemed like three dozen different remedies, but one that kept appearing on the scene was lemon water.  Whether as tea or fresh-squeezed into cold water, lemon water was persistently suggested. It can do all sorts of amazing things. (Knowledge is power, people).  

So we embark on this trial of lemon water with encouraging results already.  

I find this funny because I immediately assumed a cure or resolution would have to come in the form of a prescription.   I was not as educated on the manner as I believed.  

Although I don't always agree with my husband's preferred modus operandi of "wait and see," I will say that in that time I was able to get a little more resourceful and research it.  

And lo, a simple solution.

The thing with simple solutions, often, is that they only appear after you've exhausted yourself with more elaborate ones.

(still) Good

I was handling this Christmas like an adult so far.  I wasn’t looking for much for myself and instead was focused on one goal or, one gift you could say: Loving family togetherness.  If my children were pleased with their gifts, that would only be a bonus.

And I was sorta proud of myself.  This optimistic outlook was hard won.  It’s been a tough year for us as it has for so many, and it would have been SO easy to gripe or complain about lack of money or harp on other’s seemed materialism.  It amazed me that my top joy was going to be their joy.  All of it.  Was I finally an adult?

But as Christmas neared there was an interstate family argument.  The aired was cleared, wounds healed and we marched on.  Slightly worn.

And then there was the explosive child on Christmas day.  There always is.  And it’s usually one of mine. There was the worried sister and the upset mother.  There was the family awkward tension when you know each other.  Sort of. I mean, you know who they are in relation to you.  And you love them.  What you do know.  And you wished you could be closer.  Maybe.  But yeah….sort of awkward.  And then another child looks ill.  One looks sad. It was turning into a high-emotion type of Christmas.

And all I wanted for Christmas faded.  And I thought, “What is with this freakin’ lesson?!”

You know the one.  It happens like this: Life hands you lemons, and after kvetching about it a million times, one day you actually make lemonade.  You find the good.  You find possibilities.  And you get all giddy and happy about yourself.  You’ve graduated!  You finally got it.  You’re proud, but humble.

But then one day life delivers you lemons and, knowing what to do, you set off to make that lemonade.  You’re practically singing to yourself.  “Ha, I’ve got this!”  Lemonade is made.  You get up the next day for the next few weeks or months….and it still sucks.  Lemons keep coming and you’ve made SO MUCH DAMN lemonade.  I mean, you’ve been aces with this shit.  So, what.is.with.these.effin’.lemons.huh?

So what do you do?

[Sigh]

You stop yourself.  You re-assess.  Okay, “So,” I tell myself, “loving family togetherness might have been way too much to ask for this Christmas.”

And a little while later (sometimes it’s a day or so…sometimes it’s only an hour later) when things have calmed down ask, “What is good though?  What else is there that I’m overlooking?  What good can still be found?”

And you re-build from those materials.

I remembered my friend Julie giving me a gift earlier in the month on my birthday.  A little plastic kitten that plugs into the earphone jack on my cellphone because she had remembered.

She had first-person witnessed my flip out, an absolute morphing into a squealing five-year-old girl over one that a friend had.  And she said to herself, “I’m getting her that!”  That’s love.  That’s the kind of gift we all should get.

I remembered receiving employment at a place I really love working at.  I mean, I went to this place so often as a patron that I was already half-trained in the workings of it.  I’d been training all my life without knowing it.  What a gift!  No, it isn’t perfect, but damn, I think it’s as close to perfect for me as ever there could be on God’s green earth.

It’s hard right now.  But it is still so very good.

Because despite it all we need to see what is good.

It won’t necessarily keep the bad shit away.  But it makes sailing through it that much easier.

And we all could use a little smooth sailing in the shit seas of life.

So….what’s still good with you?

Delayed Gratification

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_ubVVnWglk&w=560&h=315]

Ever since Tom Hiddleston talked with Cookie Monster about delayed gratification I haven’t quite been able to get the concept out of my head.  And not for the obvious Tom-factor, although it was my first assumption too.

It’s just so damned applicable to so many situations.

I have been applying the principle to the kids because I can’t help but think it might be easier to learn as a child. And they say second languages are easier to learn as a child, so maybe it’s true with life concepts too.

So when they wanted a piece of candy and I wanted them to be quiet (and it would seem like a win-win situation) instead of saying an automatic, “Yes, yes, fine!”  I would say, “Yes, you can have one.  After dinner.”  And they’d whine and thrust themselves about the room as if agony, real dramatic-like.  But that’s how we all learn life concepts….with a whole lot of thrashing about and complaining.

But what about me?  If someone dared even suggest I wait for my morning coffee, it would result in all out-stomping-to-my-room-and-slamming-the-door-type of tantrum.  No delayed gratification there.  What about on the road?  Did I take the slow driver in front of me with good stride and slowed down graciously, my destiny being a reward of delayed gratification?  Uh, no.

In fact, as a culture we all kind of forgot about delayed gratification.  Really…if we can’t get it fast (AND personalized) we get impatient. Cranky.

I can get like that.  In fact, I realize how much I go towards quick easy-to-do projects just to get stuff done fast.  So it's weird that I’ve found myself wanting to build a house. For more than a decade it’s been a weird nesting drive.  A yen.  An actual yen to construct a home.  This is not a small undertaking. This is odd for me.  I have taken to a less-is-more approach with complicated projects.  That is, I decided years ago, after my third son was born, that I really wouldn’t be taking on any more complex hobbies or projects.  Um, no.

But damned this house-building bug.  I have not been able to cast it aside.

I designed luxury treehouses in my mind long before I saw the treehouse show on cable TV.  Having no appropriate tree, I scaled back to a doll house about ten years ago.  I got frustrated early on.  The directions and I spoke two different languages.  Both were English, but their language was of dimensions and measurements and doing things in an orderly fashion and painting the window panes as the first step.  “No, no, no.  I don’t think this way,” I thought and I shelved the project where it would stay until my husband rescued it for me a few years back.

After tree houses and doll houses failed, I began to ponder drawing houses.  I wanted to learn how to draw Victorian houses, specifically.  I have always been obsessed with their round rooms and towers.  I read books on drawing houses and realized that to draw properly I needed to understand perspective.  Which, I don’t-not artistically and often not in real life either.  Needless to say, I didn’t draw any houses.

But on my birthday trip to Michael’s craft store this year, I found a simple, inexpensive kit to build a house.  A Victorian house.  I bought it and determined to do it right.  Come hell or high water…this house will be built.  And, adding emphasis to my inner drama, I thought, “And I will do it alone!  A woman and her house!”

I started it today and let me tell you, it looks like it will be a process.  Some real dedication is what is called for.  Consistent effort.  Hmmmmm……(sigh).

Two steps have taken me all day.  And as for doing it on my own?  Phil has already had to step in and explain the instructions to me.

{Me: It seems like I’m missing a wall.  Am I missing a wall?  Because…..welll…I’m missing a wall.

Phil, scans the directions and glances once at my work: Yeah, you’re missing a wall.  From Step 1.

Me: Hmmm….confusing.}

But I determine to do it the right way which also happens to be the slow way.  It often is. Especially when you don’t do things the right way the first time.  Really, it’s a practice in humility and patience.  Yum.

But halfway through the second step today, I became aware of myself while painting.  Although it was taking FOR-EV-ER to make progress, I was enjoying each little thing.  The painting of the walls and making sure I got each edge covered in paint, smoothing out any ruffled paint.

I had an upbeat smirk on my face and my eyes were glazed over.  I was high off of this project.  Naturally.  (It wasn’t paint fumes….I was well-ventilated-promise).

I was in love---in a Zen state.

It made me realize that we miss out on this a lot when we won’t slow down and allow delayed gratification to take place.

It’s probably going to be a long-ass time before I finish this house.   I’m almost counting on it.

And, hey, maybe it will make it all the more sweet when it is finished.  Or I’ll miss making it.

It’s all an experiment, folks.    You never know.

Coping

I was apologizing for being a chatterbox and telling my husband that as much as I would like to promise him that I would change, the fact of the matter is, I won't.  Because, I reasoned, I've been doing this talking thing for a long time.

Before I could talk, I'm told that I prattled on about who-knows-what to my babyself while I played on the floor with blocks or sat in my crib staring out the window.  It's what I do.  In fact, I used to sing to myself.

This got me to thinking, how good must my brain chemistry been when I was a baby? I mean, I'd have to be pretty much in a "I just hit the lottery" state now to get me to sing to myself.  And it's not like my situation was unique.  Lots of babies coo and sing. 

It would seem then, that we're mostly born pretty happy.  For a nation under the influence of anti-depressants, we all started out pretty darn content.  Many of us are under the assumption that we are victims of bad brain chemistry.  Our levels are off.  But why? 

I've been told it's genetic.  I was bound to be a more anxious person prone to depression due to my heritage of nervous folk.  Yet, I marvel at the early home videos of me (circa late 70s when sound wasn't an option).  I giggle at the drop of a hat.  I giggle so hard that you don't need sound to hear me.  It's all over my face.  Pure joy.  Easily. 

Although there are exceptions to the rule, most anxious or depressed people started out with brain chemistry that was just peachy.  A-okay.  So what went wrong?

I might not be a psychologist or doctor, but I have read and experienced quite a bit in this arena and all signs seem to point to stress as the culprit.  An inability to deal with stress in a constructive manner will eventually leave you depleted and anxious.  (Read that again.)   

It can still be understood as a brain chemistry problem but we know enough now to understand that brain chemistry is influenced by our thoughts.  What we think changes what chemicals are being produced.  Enough stressful thoughts coupled with zero coping skills and you end up overloaded and burnt out. 

The crappy part is that not too many of us born before 2000 had good models for coping skills.  It just wasn't taught.  Speaking on behalf of my generation (Generation X) I can say that we were shown all the ways to NOT treat stress: Overeating, alcohol & drug abuse, burying negative emotions, gambling, and workaholism. 

Stress reduction started trending in the 90s for the most part.  I always felt that I had contained all the stress I could, i.e. eliminated what could be eliminated and dealt with the rest.  But it wasn't until I realized that stress reduction was only half the equation when I found the secret of coping and soothing skills.  That is the other piece that sometimes goes unnoticed. 

I think it is fair to say that with our current reality, everyone is need of coping skills for stress. 

What can you learn to cope?  A Google search will render a million ideas from counting to ten and deep breathing to long, hot soaks in a bathtub.  I think the key, though, is first being aware.  Notice when you are starting to tense up and ask yourself why. 

In chronic pain management workshops they tell you that your body reacts to the thoughts you are having.  If you can notice when you tense up or have a visceral negative reaction, it can flag you to the fact that you're having a negative thought or reaction.

We are lucky, I believe, because we now have a plethora of stress relief options.  Massages, aromatherapy, Qi Gong, Tai Chi, Yoga, meditation, etc. 

But the thing with stress relief options is that they treat the  body/mind/soul after the stress has already attacked.  What if you could avoid the damage in the first place?

It might seem an impossible dream but a little practice goes a long way.  If the goal of stress reduction is to reduce the instances of when stress strikes, the goal of coping skills is to find a way to minimize stress's damage when it does strike.

By becoming mindful to your negative reactions you will be able to pinpoint the cause.  The stress management section at Helpguide.org instructs that the ways to cope with stress are by changing the situation or by changing your reaction to it. 

Specifically, you change the situation by avoiding it if it is unnecessary or altering it in some way.  Changing your reaction to it can be done when by accepting or adapting to the stressor.

Each situation is unique, but following the above guidelines is helpful in most cases. 

I don't know about you, but the more I cope well with the negative, the more cheerful I get, naturally.

Priorities

You can learn a lot about life from gardening.  Specifically, weeding.

It doesn’t take long for weeds to take over.  If you are not on top of it on a regular basis you have a weed patch more than a flower garden.

Who has time for this?  What with everything else that needs maintaining, weeding a garden is just one more thing on our To-Do lists. It becomes neglected altogether until something must be done or you risk losing a child in the overgrown thicket.

Some of us live our lives like that.  We are constantly putting out fires.  Instead of simplifying our lives, we run from one overgrown mess to another, hacking away, trying to make a difference in the shortest amount of time possible. We’re busy and we’re running out of patience.

Am I the only one who has noticed that everyone is frazzled and short-tempered lately?  Let’s not even talk about how we’re all acting like two-year-olds when we’re behind the wheel.

There are things happening in the world that are scary but I think that the underlying reason we’re feeling this way is because of the urgency modern life imposees.  We are perpetually running behind and it feels as if there is not enough time to accomplish everything.  It’s true, there isn’t.

You know we spend a lot of money as a nation on books that tells us what to do with our lives. We want to simplify. We want to succeed.  And we’d like it right now….after all, the clock is ticking.  I can tell you right now what it takes: Figure out what matters to you.  Bam. Done.

What is your first priority?  Family? Business? Your car? Your home?  Your dog?

Fine. Focus on that.

My priorities are: Family (the complete support & maintenance of), writing and friends.  Done.  End of story.

You can’t have five thousand priorities people.  That negates the very definition of priority.  Besides, you’re human.

I know you can multitask amazingly but it is really to the detriment of….well, over a million car accidents a year (And that is just the statistic for texting while driving.  It doesn’t include other forms of distracted driving.)

Multitasking also has an effect on relationships.  The more frazzled you get, the harder it is to be patient with one another.  And this goes both ways.  Because when both partners are distracted and overwhelmed and one tries to calm down and singularly focus on what matters, it can be disheartening when the other one is still flying down the road, so to speak, in all different directions.

And, of course, let’s talk (briefly) on multitasking and health.  It’s bad for you.  It makes you crazy.  So stop it.

Breathe.

And realize this: There is a lot that glitters in this world.  There are a lot of good options out there.  Naturally, we don’t want to miss a thing and we end up grabbing it all.  Credit card debt anybody?

The problem with good is that it comes at the expense of great.

It’s up to you.  You want a thousand good things that drive you mad or a few great things that really matter and bring you joy?

Our lives need weeding.

Figure out what truly matters and focus on that.  Everything else is just details.

Why You Need a Spiritual Family (i.e. true friends)

I read an article recently about spiritual families (What About the Family in Front of Me?). The author, Captain Michele Ward, spoke of her mother’s recent death and how empty she felt in the aftermath.   She stumbled on a Bible verse (Mark 3:31-34) one Sunday during church and had an epiphany.  Realizing that her family does not begin and end with blood ties alone, she writes, “God never intended for us to just depend upon and support our own immediate family.”

Mind you, she is not saying we should not depend upon and support our own immediate family.  Rather, she is saying it does not end with blood family alone.

This struck a chord.

Awhile ago we had a birthday party for one of our children.  I did the preliminary tasks of cleaning, food preparation, and so on.  I rolled the chairs and couches with masking tape to get rid of pet fur.  I detailed the hall bathroom, the boys’ bathroom (4 of our 5 children are boys).  I scrubbed the kitchen tile grout.  And yet, even though I knew I had done my utmost best, I had to acknowledge two things:

1-I was nervous.  Really nervous.

2-I was kidding myself if I thought I was doing this to be a good hostess concerned with my guests’ comfort alone.

While it is true that I wanted my guests to be comfortable I also knew I had done my best.  So why was I nervous?  This was a simple family birthday party.

Because family was still going to talk.  No matter what I did, I knew someone was going to say something.  Whether it was outright in-your-face negative, behind-your-back secretive or a passive aggressive manuever (and said to a child of mine, “Oh your house is so clean now!  Do you like it? It wasn’t always this way…”), it was bound to happen.  Even by the nicest among us.

Why did I care?  After all, I had done my best.

I worried because I cared about the people who would do the talking.  And therein lies the rub.

We often have a disconnect between the family we crave and what is actually possible out of the blood-family we have.

After (way too) much thought I offer these points to consider:

1) As much as we want total acceptance out of our blood family, we must first be okay with not having it.

2) To up the ante, we must also first be willing to extend unconditional acceptance to our family members to the best of our human ability.  This is hard to do and it is true that you might not ever have this acceptance reciprocated.

3) We all have “belonging needs.”  They are real and if ignored there will be eventual hell to pay.  Isolation is good for no one.  Unless you’re a monk.  But if you’re a member of society, it doesn’t always work.  You will come into contact with others--family, friends and strangers.

4) In regards to #3, choose wisely.

I can count on one hand those who have my best interests at heart.  Alright, two hands.  I am blessed.  (These are not always the same people who believe they know what is best for me.) A few of these people are blood family and the rest are my spiritual family/true friends.  Despite having a perpetually chaotic life (5 kids y’all….it’s no joke), I make damn sure I make time for these people.  They support me in every little way I go and if I stray, they correct me gently but firmly.

It was not always this way.  The major players in my life were all blood-related at one time.  However, you need your chosen family, i.e. your spiritual family just as much, if not more so.  A good dog or cat wouldn’t hurt either.

Your chosen, spiritual family builds you up and helps you achieve your goals.  This should never be ignored or taken lightly.  We need these people in our lives.  They keep us honest: To ourselves, to each other, and to others.  And they keep us healthy.  In return we do the same.  In a spiritual/chosen family, everyone ultimately wins.

Take some time to think about it.  Who is in your chosen family?  Are you making time for them?

Communication for Thinking People

If you are an analyzer/thinker/philosopher the world is chock full of insight.

The problem is, given enough time and left to our own devices (i.e. uninterrupted) we are able to see:

a) how everything is related

b) every possible motive for someone’s actions, positive or negative

c) WAY TOO damn much into a situation

I pick up on people’s moods and body language very quickly.  I notice subtle shifts.  So I think I can also explain the “why” for these shifts.  And 80% of the time I’m right.  Okay, fine:  70% of the time.

But there are costs to be considered:

* Over-analyzing increases anxiety tremendously.  Personally, I never feel comfortable if I’m over-analyzing a situation. It is not a peaceful state.  (Pondering is another story.)

* Stuck in this other mental world of alternate universes temporarily keeps you out of the present moment.  The present moment, incidentally, is where life is actually happening

*People don’t want to know about it.  Don’t share.  Unless they absolutely beg for it.  And even then: Edit, edit, edit.  Especially if it is about them.  Even if you put it tactfully and make it as non-personal as possible, in the most constructive, gentle way, friends and family are famously, fabulously unreceptive to any sort of insight you might have into their behavior.

To further complicate matters,  if you are a sensitive person the impact of all this sensory input can lead you to falsely believe that if it feels this strongly it must be true. Wrong.

Just because you interpreted a message or someone's actions a certain way doesn’t mean that was what was communicated.

The absolute truth of the matter is whether you over-analyze or not, you can’t trust your senses to give you the whole truth.  You and I simply don’t know why people say/act/react the way they do.  We might pick up on accurate clues once in awhile (70%....I swear!) but we don’t have the full picture.

I’m not saying to throw out your perceptions, feelings and thoughts.  Hell, no.  Never.

But perhaps an understanding is needed.  We can be aware that everyone views life events and others communications/actions through our own filters.  When I was studying for my Communications degree I was taught that everyone has their own frame of reference and it includes their personal past history, past communications with you specifically and other factors such as environment (where the communication takes place), body language & nonverbal communication, among other things.

I’m always saying that if you want your message to be received as intended, the responsibility lies primarily on you.

It also holds true that if you want to make sure that the message you’re receiving from another is just as accurate, you must take just as much responsibility.  If you simply don’t have the time or energy to do this, or it's just not practical, there’s a simple answer: Don’t. But also, for your own sake, don’t jump to conclusions either.

Even if you have a 70% success rate.

Personal Happiness Versus Group Happiness

It’s a funny thing, trying to balance personal happiness with group happiness.

We are a big family with five children.  We also like to do things with our extended family (which, incidentally, is also big).  We are blessed to have our family close to us, which is something that needs to be remembered during these big  family outings.

We joke that we are a critical mass when we are together.  Or at least, I joke that we are.  We need to work together or it is pure chaos.

In our immediate family of husband, me, and our five children I can count at least five of us who are naturally headstrong and stubborn.  That’s not including extended family members who are also just as feisty and headstrong (and sometimes in a passive way--the tricksters of our family).

Something I tell my kids, that I also need to hear (isn’t that always the way?), is that we must not be so quick to push our way.  There is joy in giving and in allowing other’s needs to come first.  I know that is not very modern of me.

Afterall, we are told to shoot for dreams and to not let anything or anyone stand in our way.  Personal happiness is VERY trendy right now and the paths that are presented to us by mass media often proclaim that the way to happiness is putting yourself first.  Me, me, me.

But what if you could hold back for a moment?  Most parents realize the joy in seeing their children do something they love.  We get this on a gut level.  But we have a hard time doing this with other adults.

There is a balance to be struck between putting other’s needs/wants ahead of your own needs/wants and also being an advocate for yourself.

On a recent zoo trip, my 11-year-old son asked me what I most wanted to see at the zoo.  I told him that I’d like to see the koalas but I most wanted to see the birds of prey as they are my favorite animals (besides seahorses and butterflies...and alpacas).  He said, “Then we will make sure you see them Mommy!”  He, obviously, is the peacemaker in the family and not one of the stubborn ones.   Yes, it’d be nice but  I reminded him that the zoo trip is about the kids, not the adults and I’d be fine seeing my birds of prey up close on YouTube in the comfort of my own home, minus all the other zoo-goers.

It is possible to meet your needs while also allowing for the happiness and strivings of others.  You can be your own advocate and do what you want in time.  It takes creativity, perseverance, and resilience.  And patience.  And, most importantly, the realization that it might not be reciprocated back to you.   That's okay though.  In a perfect world, we'd all support each other.  It's not a perfect world but that doesn't give you an excuse to act out.

I learned this as an adult.  And I see other adults who never learned this or completely ignored it.   I’m hoping to save my children the trouble of many years of self-inflicted chaos borne from being too pushy.  I might just be pissing into the wind.  They may be too young to get it.   I’m hoping, though, that I’m planting a seed.  Only time will tell.

Show Up

Show up.  Even when you’re tired.  Even if you’re not feeling at the top of your game.  Especially if you have nothing more to give.  

Just keep showing up.  Be willing.  Depending on (impermanent….all things are impermanent) life or global events, you may have no hope left.  Still, show up.

Expect nothing but still give all you can.  Even if all you’ve got to give is your presence.

This is tricky.  Because when we give all we can and really bring it in life, not everyone responds to that.  I’m not saying they are necessarily adverse to it, but it’s a lot to deal with it, especially if there is a lot going on in their lives.  We’re all busy and running at a fever pitch.  Some people love this and it is not necessarily a bad thing.  In excess though...we tend to get cranky with each other.

So you may not get a response from people.  And your own life circumstances may be slow to respond as well.  Still bring it.  Still show up.

Because, the thing is, you only have one chance at this life.  Even if you believe in reincarnation, you still only get one go-around in this exact life.  And if you give up (and giving up is a slippery ass slope….) there will be no change.  None.

I saw someone call someone else a “defeatist” on Facebook today.  (Definition of “defeatism” per Merriam-Webster:  "An attitude of accepting, expecting, or being resigned to defeat”)

It stopped me in my tracks.  Because truth be told, for various reasons, I’m feeling pretty world-weary/people-wary/life-exhausted right now.

This is my slippery slope and I must be extra-mindful right now to pull myself up by my bootstraps and save myself from it.  No one else can do that for me.  They can listen and try to help but when it comes right down to it we are responsible for saving ourselves.

But, hell no.  I won’t go.  Defeat isn’t even on my radar.  It used to be.  And I let a little blip of defeat in and it took up the whole damn screen and approximately 15 years of my life.  It’s insidious that way.

So the choice is your’s.  Are you going to keep showing up, even when you’re physically/emotionally/mentally tired?  Are you going to at least let down your guard just a little bit so if any good, does, by chance, want to slip in the welcome mat is out?

Will you continue to give your best? If you need to rest first so you’re not a complete reactive mess to everyone you encounter, then by all means rest.  Rest is paramount.

But keep showing up.  Good meets you halfway.

 

Curtain for my SPD kid

I'm a crafty-type person with a sensory kid. Isaac is four and he processes sensory input (and sometimes output) differently at times.  He overloads with too much stimulation.  He can't handle busy stores or malls.  He also recently had a meltdown at a holiday parade.  Sometimes its all just too much.  I think we can all relate, especially at this time of year.

What he needs (and might help us too) is a safe haven.  A comfy nest to fall back on when times get too stressful for whatever reason.

We recently received bunk beds and Isaac got the bottom bunk.  My husband, Phil, immediately came up with the idea to wrap a felt curtain around the bottom of the upper bunk providing Isaac with a hideaway that was soothing to his senses and not likely to be intruded upon by his siblings.  The felt would be soft and Isaac likes the texture.

Since he adores trains, quite madly, Phil also came up with the idea to cut out trains and railroad cars for him to place upon the felt and move around as he pleases.

Railroad car pattern on felt

Train and railroad car patterns on felt.

 

The curtain from afar...

Closer view

 

Close-up of the trains on the curtain.

 

Now he has a built-in fort aimed to soothe and comfort.  I'm pretty jealous!

Stay Calm

Even when it is scary.  Especially when it is scary.  Stay calm.

I hate unpleasant surprises.  I know---nobody likes them.  But I truly hate them.  I mean I actively try to guard against them.  I take actions to ensure they won't crop up: Double-checking insurance coverage, banking account balances, and if the knobs are in “off” position on the stove.

Back in November of 2003 I found myself in a panic. My husband's source of income stopped abruptly.  I worked part-time just to supplement what he made.  The announcement that his income was ceasing caused me to, initially, freak out. It was then that a wise and beautiful angel administered to my mental and emotional woes.

Barbara, an RN where I worked told me, "This is precisely the time to *not* panic!"

I thought she'd lost her damn mind.  To me, this was, incidentally PRECISELY the time to freak out.

But she was right.  When you panic you lose your mind.  Or at least some of its functionality.  If you're aiming to dumb yourself down, panicking is the right course of action.

Sometimes it is a knee-jerk reaction.  When I lose something I tend to flip out initially.  "Where is it? Where could it be? How could I lose it?"  But I never find what I'm looking for until I pray to St. Anthony.  Maybe it is just the act, though, of calming down enough to pray that gets me thinking in an orderly fashion.

Well all of this was fun to think about but I didn't have any real research to back up my "findings" until now.  The Institute of HeartMath is distributing a publication titled, "The Inside Story: Understanding the power of feelings," and on page 25 it states:

"Positive feelings and smooth, even heart rhythms, however, facilitate or improve the brain's ability to process information...." and "This means that our physical reflexes are faster and we can think more clearly.  We can see more options and solutions to problems and situations than we could before."

It is scientifically proven that the popular-again maxim to "keep calm and carry on" is truly timeless, solid advice.

 Now is not the time to lose your shit.

Water

So water makes up 2/3 of our body.  (Positive Energy by Dr. Judith Orloff)

That made me wonder about the work that Dr. Masaru Emoto has done with water using loving words and hateful words.  Once crystalized, the water reflects the emotion with which it was directed with. The loving words produce beautiful, intricate snowflake creations. Negative words produce a chaotic or sluggish formation. To see it is best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAvzsjcBtx8

Now, take what you like and leave the rest. I'm not here to plead this man's case.

But I do find this interesting with its implications towards how the words we speak (and probably the thoughts we think) effect the body.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to cut out more negative and embrace more positive.  What do you got to lose?

Golden Mean

I'm currently taking a parenting class for raising strong-willed children.  In this class they have taught us that we usually parent from one of two extremes.  At one end of the spectrum is the parent who wants to be nurturing, sensitive and responsive. At the other end is a more firm parent, authoritarian.  Neither one is bad, the spectrum measures normal parenting.

The goal is the middle.  The Golden Mean.  Happy medium.  It seems everyone is striving for balance these days. Books are written on the subject, websites devoted to its attainment.

The extreme end of things, however, are fertile grounds for learning about yourself and life.  It's a place for finding out what works and doesn't work.  You have to pay attention though.

How many times does a gymnast fall off the beam before she perfects the routine? From one side to the next, balance is being taught.

So sometimes people have to learn by falling to one end of the spectrum before they can bounce to the middle. It happens.

Happy medium is often found once you've exhausted all other options. Its the reward for learning.

Bookworm

Some don't understand why I would hang on to a book long after I've read it.  I'm a voracious reader always, but especially so when faced with a challenge in life. I set about finding a corresponding manual to whatever I'm going through.  My family of origin are born book lovers.  Suffice it to say, I was raised to love books.  Havens for the downtrodden, hope for the masses.  Books are just plain awesome.

The thing is: When I go about finding this special book that will either inform, advise, make me laugh out loud or comfort me I am always surprised.  It isn't in the typical spot.

You might go instantly to the inspiration section, desperate to get someone's advice.  Someone who's been wherever you're at.   Or the memoirs.  Perhaps you simply just want to find something, anything.  Help.

Here is my little tip for you: Just get something.  It doesn't matter which one really, because once you open up to wanting to learn the info, it will find you.  Maybe not always.

But enough.

Say you're female (just in case you're not) and you're pregnant.  And, well, you're also a bit freaked out.  Especially about how big you're going to get and all the strange shit that goes down and affects your body (your body is now "our" body!).  Take a deep breath.

Go get yourself that pregnancy encyclopedia (that, more often than not, will freak you out worse)...but give in and indulge your monkey mind...that crazy lizard brain part of you that must prepare, prepare, plan, sort and generally chatter away at you.  Satisfy that urge and just get it out of the way.  Read a few pages.

But then remain open.  Because you're going to find that one thing you need to hear or read in the craziest of places.  I wouldn't say it's an open-the-book-close-your-eyes-and-point-at-some-random-section-type of divination.  I'm just saying.  It happens on its own accord.

Maybe an example might help.  I recently went all frontal-lobe on finding info about solitude and retreats.  I think, "Well, I've got my info and I'm ready to do this.  I got this."  I've researched retreat centers, practices and even did a written exercise detailing my perfect retreat experience.  But just for fun, I decided to pick up a copy of Annie Dilliard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek.

This book is amazing.  Just reading it feels like going on a retreat. Which is good, because the actual likelihood of a retreat anytime soon is pretty nil.  (See Profile: mother of five)

It isn't so much the book, I'm saying here, as it is the open mind that you have while approaching your question.  Or desire for assistance, validation, or recognition of what you're currently experiencing.

Because the message you need will find you.  In maybe an unlikely, odd way and place.

So those books on my shelf?  The ones I've actually read?  They contained a message at one time that helped me. The stories, poetry, inspiration that served me so well have more than earned their keep.  And should I ever want one of them again (yes, I've learned, but sometimes I forget) they are right there.  It's a comfort thing.

Messy Houses

Messy Houses

Today I might feel guilty and overwhelmed by the messy house.  I may want to give up and throw my hands in the air.  I once saw a sign that read, “A clean house is a sign of no internet connection,” but I’d ventured to say it is also a sign of no heartfelt connection.

Let’s be real-relationships are messy.  Having family and friends over as well as raising kids both contribute to a messy home.  But who would want to live in a sterile world—one where there is no connection at all?  Yes, living requires tidying.  But that doesn’t mean you should feel ashamed of your home each time it becomes unruly and needs tidying up.

Instead of exclaiming, “Wow, what a mess,” try remembering how it got that way.  Were your children playing and learning?  Did you have a memorable event with friends or family?  Remembering the real reasons behind the chaos makes you a lot less stressed out and doesn’t include any guilt associations.

Today I acknowledge that messy houses usually equal a lot of living being done.  I replace any feelings of guilt with waves of gratitude for the good times had.

Dad

If you ever should need a good giggle, a great place to start is by listening to Porky Pig sing “Blue Christmas.”

One winter day in my teen years, I think I was 15, my father and I were on our way to our local grocery store, Raley's.  He was on vacation and I was on Christmas Break.  This song came on the radio and within the first verse we both had grins on our faces.  By the second, we were laughing and as you can guess, by the third we were giggling pretty hard. 

It was a rare moment for us.  As I said, I was in my teens and moody and rebellious.  I was thinking, “Why are you ruining my life?!” at the same time he may have been thinking the same thing.  This was a common current in our father-daughter relationship.

But the hilarious stutterings of Porky Pig, haltingly sing, “Blue Christmas,” broke the awkward silence for a moment and let our mutual joy mingle. Having reset the tone, we had a nice afternoon.

Life Path

For each starting point to each destination, there is the easiest path to take.  The one that makes the most sense.  Maybe it takes less energy overall-less gas.  Maybe it is faster-getting you where you want to be by the time you want to be there.  But, all in all, we contain these maps in our head, both of our makings based on experiences we've had and their results and also maps we've absorbed through our collective culture. 

We are taught in our culture that the best foundation to get in life is to get a good education, go on to a reputable college and obtain a degree in something profitable.  Once you have job security, it is okay to get married and eventually have children.  That is what my generation is taught.  Generation X: We've got no excuse for not having our shit together!

Afterall, we've been shown the best path.  This is the American Dream, right?  This is path to happiness, right?! 

But what happens when you stray from the pack?  You're out.  When you find out you're pregnant at 17, you're out.  When you realize college isn't going to work out, you're out. 

They give us one path to follow and thus that stray are going into uncharted territory.  Sure there have been others.  Some have ended up forever lost.  And that's a scary possiblity.  Others have succeeded and left bread crumbs.  You can go get the information you need and research the resources available (the bread crumbs) or you can forge out on your own. 

There will be, make no mistake, nights of doubt, days of anxiety.  There also will be days of authentic joy. 

When I was somewhere around the age of 10, I asked my parents:

“So, you go to school and you get good grades so you can get into a good college.  And then you get good grades at college so you can get a good job.  Then you can buy a good house and have a car and support your family.  Then what?”    My Dad laughed and said, “That is the question.”

I think it is the question.  Because if we don't figure what we are striving for, what our soul needs for expression or what we need to lead a happy life, we have lost before the game has even started.  Answer this question.  The answer tells you which path to take and gives you the energy to continue on, whether it is a traditional path or more exotic one.

Self-Acceptance

Morning time and he steps up on the scale in his boxer shorts and tanktop.  He reads the weight outloud and then says, “Okay, we good!” and hops off. I shake my head.  I want to be like that.

But I get all anxious about myself.  Especially in social situations.  Social anxiety counts on you caring on what others think of you, which naturally presumes that you would like them to think well of you, which would then naturally lead to acceptance.  You want them to accept you. 

Or...you could quit trying to fit into whatever mold you think you have to in order to be accepted.  Show up in your own mold.  I always love the odd-ball, the one with the charismatic personality, the animated storyteller, or the naturally cheerful one.  Be you.  But, the snag is you have to know you first.  So what do you like?  Be like that.  It doesn't have to be all-natural but it must be of your own making and creativity.  Or else it won't be as satisfying.

You could, instead of trying to appear “normal” or “regular” be that really cool person is friendly and authentic.  You could be the creative artist.  When you come into somebody's field of vision, you can choose any archetype that you identify with to show up as.

Or, you could just be really comfortable with yourself.  The person who is humble, yet strong, knowing what others might deem imperfect about them, but yet loving themselves for who they are. 

And if you're comfy and really okay with yourself it makes it easier for others to be that way with you too.

He

He-having a rare self-conscious moment

Yesterday, after a dip and play session in the pool he had several questions to ask. 

He wanted to know....

-If I was impressed at how agile he appeared?

-Or if he made a big splash when in jumped in the water onto the floaty board.

-And, lastly, if he looked fat out there in his swimming trunks.

Which is sad.  Because anyone who could ignore his 1,000-watt smile to focus on a little belly fat....well, we might as well feel bad for that type of person because they, not him, have a worse problem. 

I told him he was so agile, made just the right amount of splash and looked very handsome in his swimming trunks because that is the truth.

Friendship

We set a precedent early on in our friendship. 

One day in particular (circa late 1996-early 1997) I was waxing on about my internal debate over whether to buy, of all things, a Barbie doll or Sesame Street collectible gift basket.  Well, they both had their charm and I could really only afford one.  I needed a treat.  I outgrew this need for treats, but not until I hit my mid-30s and this was way back when I was about 19. 

Not coming up with a clear winner with my own debating, I turned to my coworker-turned-friend, Julie (I'd say that even though we had best friends outside of work, we were each other's best friends at work.  Until our individual friends started working there.  Then we were one happy group).

After hearing my whinings, she patiently said, “If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad!” quoting Sheryl Crow. 

And it stuck with me.  I don't remember what I ended up buying, if I bought anything at all.  But I remember her saying that to me and virtually removing all guilt associated with wanting to treat myself in the first place.  Wow...that's a friend! 

It was truth and I needed it spoken to me to understand it.

Nearly 20 years later, as she graduates college and faces a new future in an unconventional relationship and as she moves forward towards her dreams and her loves (human, material, whatever) I'll be here to let her know that if it makes her happy, it can't be that bad.