Messy Houses

Messy Houses

Today I might feel guilty and overwhelmed by the messy house.  I may want to give up and throw my hands in the air.  I once saw a sign that read, “A clean house is a sign of no internet connection,” but I’d ventured to say it is also a sign of no heartfelt connection.

Let’s be real-relationships are messy.  Having family and friends over as well as raising kids both contribute to a messy home.  But who would want to live in a sterile world—one where there is no connection at all?  Yes, living requires tidying.  But that doesn’t mean you should feel ashamed of your home each time it becomes unruly and needs tidying up.

Instead of exclaiming, “Wow, what a mess,” try remembering how it got that way.  Were your children playing and learning?  Did you have a memorable event with friends or family?  Remembering the real reasons behind the chaos makes you a lot less stressed out and doesn’t include any guilt associations.

Today I acknowledge that messy houses usually equal a lot of living being done.  I replace any feelings of guilt with waves of gratitude for the good times had.

Dad

If you ever should need a good giggle, a great place to start is by listening to Porky Pig sing “Blue Christmas.”

One winter day in my teen years, I think I was 15, my father and I were on our way to our local grocery store, Raley's.  He was on vacation and I was on Christmas Break.  This song came on the radio and within the first verse we both had grins on our faces.  By the second, we were laughing and as you can guess, by the third we were giggling pretty hard. 

It was a rare moment for us.  As I said, I was in my teens and moody and rebellious.  I was thinking, “Why are you ruining my life?!” at the same time he may have been thinking the same thing.  This was a common current in our father-daughter relationship.

But the hilarious stutterings of Porky Pig, haltingly sing, “Blue Christmas,” broke the awkward silence for a moment and let our mutual joy mingle. Having reset the tone, we had a nice afternoon.

Life Path

For each starting point to each destination, there is the easiest path to take.  The one that makes the most sense.  Maybe it takes less energy overall-less gas.  Maybe it is faster-getting you where you want to be by the time you want to be there.  But, all in all, we contain these maps in our head, both of our makings based on experiences we've had and their results and also maps we've absorbed through our collective culture. 

We are taught in our culture that the best foundation to get in life is to get a good education, go on to a reputable college and obtain a degree in something profitable.  Once you have job security, it is okay to get married and eventually have children.  That is what my generation is taught.  Generation X: We've got no excuse for not having our shit together!

Afterall, we've been shown the best path.  This is the American Dream, right?  This is path to happiness, right?! 

But what happens when you stray from the pack?  You're out.  When you find out you're pregnant at 17, you're out.  When you realize college isn't going to work out, you're out. 

They give us one path to follow and thus that stray are going into uncharted territory.  Sure there have been others.  Some have ended up forever lost.  And that's a scary possiblity.  Others have succeeded and left bread crumbs.  You can go get the information you need and research the resources available (the bread crumbs) or you can forge out on your own. 

There will be, make no mistake, nights of doubt, days of anxiety.  There also will be days of authentic joy. 

When I was somewhere around the age of 10, I asked my parents:

“So, you go to school and you get good grades so you can get into a good college.  And then you get good grades at college so you can get a good job.  Then you can buy a good house and have a car and support your family.  Then what?”    My Dad laughed and said, “That is the question.”

I think it is the question.  Because if we don't figure what we are striving for, what our soul needs for expression or what we need to lead a happy life, we have lost before the game has even started.  Answer this question.  The answer tells you which path to take and gives you the energy to continue on, whether it is a traditional path or more exotic one.

Self-Acceptance

Morning time and he steps up on the scale in his boxer shorts and tanktop.  He reads the weight outloud and then says, “Okay, we good!” and hops off. I shake my head.  I want to be like that.

But I get all anxious about myself.  Especially in social situations.  Social anxiety counts on you caring on what others think of you, which naturally presumes that you would like them to think well of you, which would then naturally lead to acceptance.  You want them to accept you. 

Or...you could quit trying to fit into whatever mold you think you have to in order to be accepted.  Show up in your own mold.  I always love the odd-ball, the one with the charismatic personality, the animated storyteller, or the naturally cheerful one.  Be you.  But, the snag is you have to know you first.  So what do you like?  Be like that.  It doesn't have to be all-natural but it must be of your own making and creativity.  Or else it won't be as satisfying.

You could, instead of trying to appear “normal” or “regular” be that really cool person is friendly and authentic.  You could be the creative artist.  When you come into somebody's field of vision, you can choose any archetype that you identify with to show up as.

Or, you could just be really comfortable with yourself.  The person who is humble, yet strong, knowing what others might deem imperfect about them, but yet loving themselves for who they are. 

And if you're comfy and really okay with yourself it makes it easier for others to be that way with you too.

He

He-having a rare self-conscious moment

Yesterday, after a dip and play session in the pool he had several questions to ask. 

He wanted to know....

-If I was impressed at how agile he appeared?

-Or if he made a big splash when in jumped in the water onto the floaty board.

-And, lastly, if he looked fat out there in his swimming trunks.

Which is sad.  Because anyone who could ignore his 1,000-watt smile to focus on a little belly fat....well, we might as well feel bad for that type of person because they, not him, have a worse problem. 

I told him he was so agile, made just the right amount of splash and looked very handsome in his swimming trunks because that is the truth.

Friendship

We set a precedent early on in our friendship. 

One day in particular (circa late 1996-early 1997) I was waxing on about my internal debate over whether to buy, of all things, a Barbie doll or Sesame Street collectible gift basket.  Well, they both had their charm and I could really only afford one.  I needed a treat.  I outgrew this need for treats, but not until I hit my mid-30s and this was way back when I was about 19. 

Not coming up with a clear winner with my own debating, I turned to my coworker-turned-friend, Julie (I'd say that even though we had best friends outside of work, we were each other's best friends at work.  Until our individual friends started working there.  Then we were one happy group).

After hearing my whinings, she patiently said, “If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad!” quoting Sheryl Crow. 

And it stuck with me.  I don't remember what I ended up buying, if I bought anything at all.  But I remember her saying that to me and virtually removing all guilt associated with wanting to treat myself in the first place.  Wow...that's a friend! 

It was truth and I needed it spoken to me to understand it.

Nearly 20 years later, as she graduates college and faces a new future in an unconventional relationship and as she moves forward towards her dreams and her loves (human, material, whatever) I'll be here to let her know that if it makes her happy, it can't be that bad.

Faith Is An Action

Every time I go through a crisis or life challenge I learn a little more about faith.

At first, most people approach faith with the same attitude that they do healthy eating or exercising: ”I know I should. Yes, I'm all for it.”

But there is no action behind it.

It is all good and easy to say you've got faith, however life has a peculiar way of eventually testing you on how solid your faith is.  If you so much as wince, you have failed. You're sent back for strengthening and reconditioning classes.

Through these classes you will become intimate with faith. You will wrestle with it on many occasions. At other times, you will marvel at how ethereal faith is, yet so solid. You can't grasp it—not intellectually or physically. You learn that the two places for sensing faith are in your heart and soul.

You will probably always wonder if you are faithful enough. That's part of our culture. Are we good enough? Am I good enough? Is my faith sufficient for today? Or must I go through more? A longer refinement? When is there a cooling off time? Is there ever such a time?

And has your past decisions—not always good, but not always bad, put you in this place where you must be taught again?

And that's the thing with a lot of these type of chaotic situations. One can never tell if they are merely enduring some odd domino effect caused by some earlier action they made. Or if they are being taught something throughout the process, something that is vital to their soul.

I choose to believe in the greater good always being at work. It's hard to see if you're used to focusing on the negative.

But the greater good at work means that even if this whole nasty situation is brought on by yourself or inflicted upon you by some external evil, it will still work out to the benefit of your soul.

But, there's a catch.  You must be willing to learn from life.  Your attitude must be in the right place.  And you must take a leap of faith....a leap that says, "I'm really not sure what the sh-t is going on, but I'm going to suspend judgment and trust that it's all going to work out for the good."

Faith first. Faith that it's going to someday work itself out, faith that there is a greater good at work and faith that there's a Power/Force who wouldn't just send us here haphazardly and for no reason.

We really are too complex of creatures to ever be an accident-our lives do have meaning.

Scientists, real honest-to-God, bonafide scientists have found this to be true.  Humans are not a biological accident or even a natural progression.  There was an outside Force that ushered us along.  Our development into what we are today was at such a rapid pace that it did not happen naturally.  Some of these scientists say it was because of alien intervention.  Take that theory or leave it.  (And when I don't have a school meeting I need to be at in 5 minutes, I'll post the research that verifies this.)  However, I've thought about this a lot and for what it's worth, I believe it was God.  But you have to come to your own conclusions on that.

It follows, then, that although life seems completely random (and yes, I know, bad sh-t happens) there might be something else at play.

I can't explain why, exactly, atrocities happen.  I know that there is still evil in this world.  People do messed up stuff all the damn time.  Even good people find themselves acting out, if even in minor ways.  But that is not within the scope of this post right now.

Right now it's about you.  Are you willing to suspend judgment for a moment and trust just a little bit more?  Take a leap of faith and believe, if only for a moment, that everything you might be facing today is going to work out for the good.  I know it's hard, but faith is an action.

And for every action there is a reaction.  Trust.