Delayed Gratification

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_ubVVnWglk&w=560&h=315]

Ever since Tom Hiddleston talked with Cookie Monster about delayed gratification I haven’t quite been able to get the concept out of my head.  And not for the obvious Tom-factor, although it was my first assumption too.

It’s just so damned applicable to so many situations.

I have been applying the principle to the kids because I can’t help but think it might be easier to learn as a child. And they say second languages are easier to learn as a child, so maybe it’s true with life concepts too.

So when they wanted a piece of candy and I wanted them to be quiet (and it would seem like a win-win situation) instead of saying an automatic, “Yes, yes, fine!”  I would say, “Yes, you can have one.  After dinner.”  And they’d whine and thrust themselves about the room as if agony, real dramatic-like.  But that’s how we all learn life concepts….with a whole lot of thrashing about and complaining.

But what about me?  If someone dared even suggest I wait for my morning coffee, it would result in all out-stomping-to-my-room-and-slamming-the-door-type of tantrum.  No delayed gratification there.  What about on the road?  Did I take the slow driver in front of me with good stride and slowed down graciously, my destiny being a reward of delayed gratification?  Uh, no.

In fact, as a culture we all kind of forgot about delayed gratification.  Really…if we can’t get it fast (AND personalized) we get impatient. Cranky.

I can get like that.  In fact, I realize how much I go towards quick easy-to-do projects just to get stuff done fast.  So it's weird that I’ve found myself wanting to build a house. For more than a decade it’s been a weird nesting drive.  A yen.  An actual yen to construct a home.  This is not a small undertaking. This is odd for me.  I have taken to a less-is-more approach with complicated projects.  That is, I decided years ago, after my third son was born, that I really wouldn’t be taking on any more complex hobbies or projects.  Um, no.

But damned this house-building bug.  I have not been able to cast it aside.

I designed luxury treehouses in my mind long before I saw the treehouse show on cable TV.  Having no appropriate tree, I scaled back to a doll house about ten years ago.  I got frustrated early on.  The directions and I spoke two different languages.  Both were English, but their language was of dimensions and measurements and doing things in an orderly fashion and painting the window panes as the first step.  “No, no, no.  I don’t think this way,” I thought and I shelved the project where it would stay until my husband rescued it for me a few years back.

After tree houses and doll houses failed, I began to ponder drawing houses.  I wanted to learn how to draw Victorian houses, specifically.  I have always been obsessed with their round rooms and towers.  I read books on drawing houses and realized that to draw properly I needed to understand perspective.  Which, I don’t-not artistically and often not in real life either.  Needless to say, I didn’t draw any houses.

But on my birthday trip to Michael’s craft store this year, I found a simple, inexpensive kit to build a house.  A Victorian house.  I bought it and determined to do it right.  Come hell or high water…this house will be built.  And, adding emphasis to my inner drama, I thought, “And I will do it alone!  A woman and her house!”

I started it today and let me tell you, it looks like it will be a process.  Some real dedication is what is called for.  Consistent effort.  Hmmmmm……(sigh).

Two steps have taken me all day.  And as for doing it on my own?  Phil has already had to step in and explain the instructions to me.

{Me: It seems like I’m missing a wall.  Am I missing a wall?  Because…..welll…I’m missing a wall.

Phil, scans the directions and glances once at my work: Yeah, you’re missing a wall.  From Step 1.

Me: Hmmm….confusing.}

But I determine to do it the right way which also happens to be the slow way.  It often is. Especially when you don’t do things the right way the first time.  Really, it’s a practice in humility and patience.  Yum.

But halfway through the second step today, I became aware of myself while painting.  Although it was taking FOR-EV-ER to make progress, I was enjoying each little thing.  The painting of the walls and making sure I got each edge covered in paint, smoothing out any ruffled paint.

I had an upbeat smirk on my face and my eyes were glazed over.  I was high off of this project.  Naturally.  (It wasn’t paint fumes….I was well-ventilated-promise).

I was in love---in a Zen state.

It made me realize that we miss out on this a lot when we won’t slow down and allow delayed gratification to take place.

It’s probably going to be a long-ass time before I finish this house.   I’m almost counting on it.

And, hey, maybe it will make it all the more sweet when it is finished.  Or I’ll miss making it.

It’s all an experiment, folks.    You never know.

Coping

I was apologizing for being a chatterbox and telling my husband that as much as I would like to promise him that I would change, the fact of the matter is, I won't.  Because, I reasoned, I've been doing this talking thing for a long time.

Before I could talk, I'm told that I prattled on about who-knows-what to my babyself while I played on the floor with blocks or sat in my crib staring out the window.  It's what I do.  In fact, I used to sing to myself.

This got me to thinking, how good must my brain chemistry been when I was a baby? I mean, I'd have to be pretty much in a "I just hit the lottery" state now to get me to sing to myself.  And it's not like my situation was unique.  Lots of babies coo and sing. 

It would seem then, that we're mostly born pretty happy.  For a nation under the influence of anti-depressants, we all started out pretty darn content.  Many of us are under the assumption that we are victims of bad brain chemistry.  Our levels are off.  But why? 

I've been told it's genetic.  I was bound to be a more anxious person prone to depression due to my heritage of nervous folk.  Yet, I marvel at the early home videos of me (circa late 70s when sound wasn't an option).  I giggle at the drop of a hat.  I giggle so hard that you don't need sound to hear me.  It's all over my face.  Pure joy.  Easily. 

Although there are exceptions to the rule, most anxious or depressed people started out with brain chemistry that was just peachy.  A-okay.  So what went wrong?

I might not be a psychologist or doctor, but I have read and experienced quite a bit in this arena and all signs seem to point to stress as the culprit.  An inability to deal with stress in a constructive manner will eventually leave you depleted and anxious.  (Read that again.)   

It can still be understood as a brain chemistry problem but we know enough now to understand that brain chemistry is influenced by our thoughts.  What we think changes what chemicals are being produced.  Enough stressful thoughts coupled with zero coping skills and you end up overloaded and burnt out. 

The crappy part is that not too many of us born before 2000 had good models for coping skills.  It just wasn't taught.  Speaking on behalf of my generation (Generation X) I can say that we were shown all the ways to NOT treat stress: Overeating, alcohol & drug abuse, burying negative emotions, gambling, and workaholism. 

Stress reduction started trending in the 90s for the most part.  I always felt that I had contained all the stress I could, i.e. eliminated what could be eliminated and dealt with the rest.  But it wasn't until I realized that stress reduction was only half the equation when I found the secret of coping and soothing skills.  That is the other piece that sometimes goes unnoticed. 

I think it is fair to say that with our current reality, everyone is need of coping skills for stress. 

What can you learn to cope?  A Google search will render a million ideas from counting to ten and deep breathing to long, hot soaks in a bathtub.  I think the key, though, is first being aware.  Notice when you are starting to tense up and ask yourself why. 

In chronic pain management workshops they tell you that your body reacts to the thoughts you are having.  If you can notice when you tense up or have a visceral negative reaction, it can flag you to the fact that you're having a negative thought or reaction.

We are lucky, I believe, because we now have a plethora of stress relief options.  Massages, aromatherapy, Qi Gong, Tai Chi, Yoga, meditation, etc. 

But the thing with stress relief options is that they treat the  body/mind/soul after the stress has already attacked.  What if you could avoid the damage in the first place?

It might seem an impossible dream but a little practice goes a long way.  If the goal of stress reduction is to reduce the instances of when stress strikes, the goal of coping skills is to find a way to minimize stress's damage when it does strike.

By becoming mindful to your negative reactions you will be able to pinpoint the cause.  The stress management section at Helpguide.org instructs that the ways to cope with stress are by changing the situation or by changing your reaction to it. 

Specifically, you change the situation by avoiding it if it is unnecessary or altering it in some way.  Changing your reaction to it can be done when by accepting or adapting to the stressor.

Each situation is unique, but following the above guidelines is helpful in most cases. 

I don't know about you, but the more I cope well with the negative, the more cheerful I get, naturally.

Priorities

You can learn a lot about life from gardening.  Specifically, weeding.

It doesn’t take long for weeds to take over.  If you are not on top of it on a regular basis you have a weed patch more than a flower garden.

Who has time for this?  What with everything else that needs maintaining, weeding a garden is just one more thing on our To-Do lists. It becomes neglected altogether until something must be done or you risk losing a child in the overgrown thicket.

Some of us live our lives like that.  We are constantly putting out fires.  Instead of simplifying our lives, we run from one overgrown mess to another, hacking away, trying to make a difference in the shortest amount of time possible. We’re busy and we’re running out of patience.

Am I the only one who has noticed that everyone is frazzled and short-tempered lately?  Let’s not even talk about how we’re all acting like two-year-olds when we’re behind the wheel.

There are things happening in the world that are scary but I think that the underlying reason we’re feeling this way is because of the urgency modern life imposees.  We are perpetually running behind and it feels as if there is not enough time to accomplish everything.  It’s true, there isn’t.

You know we spend a lot of money as a nation on books that tells us what to do with our lives. We want to simplify. We want to succeed.  And we’d like it right now….after all, the clock is ticking.  I can tell you right now what it takes: Figure out what matters to you.  Bam. Done.

What is your first priority?  Family? Business? Your car? Your home?  Your dog?

Fine. Focus on that.

My priorities are: Family (the complete support & maintenance of), writing and friends.  Done.  End of story.

You can’t have five thousand priorities people.  That negates the very definition of priority.  Besides, you’re human.

I know you can multitask amazingly but it is really to the detriment of….well, over a million car accidents a year (And that is just the statistic for texting while driving.  It doesn’t include other forms of distracted driving.)

Multitasking also has an effect on relationships.  The more frazzled you get, the harder it is to be patient with one another.  And this goes both ways.  Because when both partners are distracted and overwhelmed and one tries to calm down and singularly focus on what matters, it can be disheartening when the other one is still flying down the road, so to speak, in all different directions.

And, of course, let’s talk (briefly) on multitasking and health.  It’s bad for you.  It makes you crazy.  So stop it.

Breathe.

And realize this: There is a lot that glitters in this world.  There are a lot of good options out there.  Naturally, we don’t want to miss a thing and we end up grabbing it all.  Credit card debt anybody?

The problem with good is that it comes at the expense of great.

It’s up to you.  You want a thousand good things that drive you mad or a few great things that really matter and bring you joy?

Our lives need weeding.

Figure out what truly matters and focus on that.  Everything else is just details.

Why You Need a Spiritual Family (i.e. true friends)

I read an article recently about spiritual families (What About the Family in Front of Me?). The author, Captain Michele Ward, spoke of her mother’s recent death and how empty she felt in the aftermath.   She stumbled on a Bible verse (Mark 3:31-34) one Sunday during church and had an epiphany.  Realizing that her family does not begin and end with blood ties alone, she writes, “God never intended for us to just depend upon and support our own immediate family.”

Mind you, she is not saying we should not depend upon and support our own immediate family.  Rather, she is saying it does not end with blood family alone.

This struck a chord.

Awhile ago we had a birthday party for one of our children.  I did the preliminary tasks of cleaning, food preparation, and so on.  I rolled the chairs and couches with masking tape to get rid of pet fur.  I detailed the hall bathroom, the boys’ bathroom (4 of our 5 children are boys).  I scrubbed the kitchen tile grout.  And yet, even though I knew I had done my utmost best, I had to acknowledge two things:

1-I was nervous.  Really nervous.

2-I was kidding myself if I thought I was doing this to be a good hostess concerned with my guests’ comfort alone.

While it is true that I wanted my guests to be comfortable I also knew I had done my best.  So why was I nervous?  This was a simple family birthday party.

Because family was still going to talk.  No matter what I did, I knew someone was going to say something.  Whether it was outright in-your-face negative, behind-your-back secretive or a passive aggressive manuever (and said to a child of mine, “Oh your house is so clean now!  Do you like it? It wasn’t always this way…”), it was bound to happen.  Even by the nicest among us.

Why did I care?  After all, I had done my best.

I worried because I cared about the people who would do the talking.  And therein lies the rub.

We often have a disconnect between the family we crave and what is actually possible out of the blood-family we have.

After (way too) much thought I offer these points to consider:

1) As much as we want total acceptance out of our blood family, we must first be okay with not having it.

2) To up the ante, we must also first be willing to extend unconditional acceptance to our family members to the best of our human ability.  This is hard to do and it is true that you might not ever have this acceptance reciprocated.

3) We all have “belonging needs.”  They are real and if ignored there will be eventual hell to pay.  Isolation is good for no one.  Unless you’re a monk.  But if you’re a member of society, it doesn’t always work.  You will come into contact with others--family, friends and strangers.

4) In regards to #3, choose wisely.

I can count on one hand those who have my best interests at heart.  Alright, two hands.  I am blessed.  (These are not always the same people who believe they know what is best for me.) A few of these people are blood family and the rest are my spiritual family/true friends.  Despite having a perpetually chaotic life (5 kids y’all….it’s no joke), I make damn sure I make time for these people.  They support me in every little way I go and if I stray, they correct me gently but firmly.

It was not always this way.  The major players in my life were all blood-related at one time.  However, you need your chosen family, i.e. your spiritual family just as much, if not more so.  A good dog or cat wouldn’t hurt either.

Your chosen, spiritual family builds you up and helps you achieve your goals.  This should never be ignored or taken lightly.  We need these people in our lives.  They keep us honest: To ourselves, to each other, and to others.  And they keep us healthy.  In return we do the same.  In a spiritual/chosen family, everyone ultimately wins.

Take some time to think about it.  Who is in your chosen family?  Are you making time for them?

Communication for Thinking People

If you are an analyzer/thinker/philosopher the world is chock full of insight.

The problem is, given enough time and left to our own devices (i.e. uninterrupted) we are able to see:

a) how everything is related

b) every possible motive for someone’s actions, positive or negative

c) WAY TOO damn much into a situation

I pick up on people’s moods and body language very quickly.  I notice subtle shifts.  So I think I can also explain the “why” for these shifts.  And 80% of the time I’m right.  Okay, fine:  70% of the time.

But there are costs to be considered:

* Over-analyzing increases anxiety tremendously.  Personally, I never feel comfortable if I’m over-analyzing a situation. It is not a peaceful state.  (Pondering is another story.)

* Stuck in this other mental world of alternate universes temporarily keeps you out of the present moment.  The present moment, incidentally, is where life is actually happening

*People don’t want to know about it.  Don’t share.  Unless they absolutely beg for it.  And even then: Edit, edit, edit.  Especially if it is about them.  Even if you put it tactfully and make it as non-personal as possible, in the most constructive, gentle way, friends and family are famously, fabulously unreceptive to any sort of insight you might have into their behavior.

To further complicate matters,  if you are a sensitive person the impact of all this sensory input can lead you to falsely believe that if it feels this strongly it must be true. Wrong.

Just because you interpreted a message or someone's actions a certain way doesn’t mean that was what was communicated.

The absolute truth of the matter is whether you over-analyze or not, you can’t trust your senses to give you the whole truth.  You and I simply don’t know why people say/act/react the way they do.  We might pick up on accurate clues once in awhile (70%....I swear!) but we don’t have the full picture.

I’m not saying to throw out your perceptions, feelings and thoughts.  Hell, no.  Never.

But perhaps an understanding is needed.  We can be aware that everyone views life events and others communications/actions through our own filters.  When I was studying for my Communications degree I was taught that everyone has their own frame of reference and it includes their personal past history, past communications with you specifically and other factors such as environment (where the communication takes place), body language & nonverbal communication, among other things.

I’m always saying that if you want your message to be received as intended, the responsibility lies primarily on you.

It also holds true that if you want to make sure that the message you’re receiving from another is just as accurate, you must take just as much responsibility.  If you simply don’t have the time or energy to do this, or it's just not practical, there’s a simple answer: Don’t. But also, for your own sake, don’t jump to conclusions either.

Even if you have a 70% success rate.

Personal Happiness Versus Group Happiness

It’s a funny thing, trying to balance personal happiness with group happiness.

We are a big family with five children.  We also like to do things with our extended family (which, incidentally, is also big).  We are blessed to have our family close to us, which is something that needs to be remembered during these big  family outings.

We joke that we are a critical mass when we are together.  Or at least, I joke that we are.  We need to work together or it is pure chaos.

In our immediate family of husband, me, and our five children I can count at least five of us who are naturally headstrong and stubborn.  That’s not including extended family members who are also just as feisty and headstrong (and sometimes in a passive way--the tricksters of our family).

Something I tell my kids, that I also need to hear (isn’t that always the way?), is that we must not be so quick to push our way.  There is joy in giving and in allowing other’s needs to come first.  I know that is not very modern of me.

Afterall, we are told to shoot for dreams and to not let anything or anyone stand in our way.  Personal happiness is VERY trendy right now and the paths that are presented to us by mass media often proclaim that the way to happiness is putting yourself first.  Me, me, me.

But what if you could hold back for a moment?  Most parents realize the joy in seeing their children do something they love.  We get this on a gut level.  But we have a hard time doing this with other adults.

There is a balance to be struck between putting other’s needs/wants ahead of your own needs/wants and also being an advocate for yourself.

On a recent zoo trip, my 11-year-old son asked me what I most wanted to see at the zoo.  I told him that I’d like to see the koalas but I most wanted to see the birds of prey as they are my favorite animals (besides seahorses and butterflies...and alpacas).  He said, “Then we will make sure you see them Mommy!”  He, obviously, is the peacemaker in the family and not one of the stubborn ones.   Yes, it’d be nice but  I reminded him that the zoo trip is about the kids, not the adults and I’d be fine seeing my birds of prey up close on YouTube in the comfort of my own home, minus all the other zoo-goers.

It is possible to meet your needs while also allowing for the happiness and strivings of others.  You can be your own advocate and do what you want in time.  It takes creativity, perseverance, and resilience.  And patience.  And, most importantly, the realization that it might not be reciprocated back to you.   That's okay though.  In a perfect world, we'd all support each other.  It's not a perfect world but that doesn't give you an excuse to act out.

I learned this as an adult.  And I see other adults who never learned this or completely ignored it.   I’m hoping to save my children the trouble of many years of self-inflicted chaos borne from being too pushy.  I might just be pissing into the wind.  They may be too young to get it.   I’m hoping, though, that I’m planting a seed.  Only time will tell.

Show Up

Show up.  Even when you’re tired.  Even if you’re not feeling at the top of your game.  Especially if you have nothing more to give.  

Just keep showing up.  Be willing.  Depending on (impermanent….all things are impermanent) life or global events, you may have no hope left.  Still, show up.

Expect nothing but still give all you can.  Even if all you’ve got to give is your presence.

This is tricky.  Because when we give all we can and really bring it in life, not everyone responds to that.  I’m not saying they are necessarily adverse to it, but it’s a lot to deal with it, especially if there is a lot going on in their lives.  We’re all busy and running at a fever pitch.  Some people love this and it is not necessarily a bad thing.  In excess though...we tend to get cranky with each other.

So you may not get a response from people.  And your own life circumstances may be slow to respond as well.  Still bring it.  Still show up.

Because, the thing is, you only have one chance at this life.  Even if you believe in reincarnation, you still only get one go-around in this exact life.  And if you give up (and giving up is a slippery ass slope….) there will be no change.  None.

I saw someone call someone else a “defeatist” on Facebook today.  (Definition of “defeatism” per Merriam-Webster:  "An attitude of accepting, expecting, or being resigned to defeat”)

It stopped me in my tracks.  Because truth be told, for various reasons, I’m feeling pretty world-weary/people-wary/life-exhausted right now.

This is my slippery slope and I must be extra-mindful right now to pull myself up by my bootstraps and save myself from it.  No one else can do that for me.  They can listen and try to help but when it comes right down to it we are responsible for saving ourselves.

But, hell no.  I won’t go.  Defeat isn’t even on my radar.  It used to be.  And I let a little blip of defeat in and it took up the whole damn screen and approximately 15 years of my life.  It’s insidious that way.

So the choice is your’s.  Are you going to keep showing up, even when you’re physically/emotionally/mentally tired?  Are you going to at least let down your guard just a little bit so if any good, does, by chance, want to slip in the welcome mat is out?

Will you continue to give your best? If you need to rest first so you’re not a complete reactive mess to everyone you encounter, then by all means rest.  Rest is paramount.

But keep showing up.  Good meets you halfway.