Personal Happiness Versus Group Happiness

It’s a funny thing, trying to balance personal happiness with group happiness.

We are a big family with five children.  We also like to do things with our extended family (which, incidentally, is also big).  We are blessed to have our family close to us, which is something that needs to be remembered during these big  family outings.

We joke that we are a critical mass when we are together.  Or at least, I joke that we are.  We need to work together or it is pure chaos.

In our immediate family of husband, me, and our five children I can count at least five of us who are naturally headstrong and stubborn.  That’s not including extended family members who are also just as feisty and headstrong (and sometimes in a passive way--the tricksters of our family).

Something I tell my kids, that I also need to hear (isn’t that always the way?), is that we must not be so quick to push our way.  There is joy in giving and in allowing other’s needs to come first.  I know that is not very modern of me.

Afterall, we are told to shoot for dreams and to not let anything or anyone stand in our way.  Personal happiness is VERY trendy right now and the paths that are presented to us by mass media often proclaim that the way to happiness is putting yourself first.  Me, me, me.

But what if you could hold back for a moment?  Most parents realize the joy in seeing their children do something they love.  We get this on a gut level.  But we have a hard time doing this with other adults.

There is a balance to be struck between putting other’s needs/wants ahead of your own needs/wants and also being an advocate for yourself.

On a recent zoo trip, my 11-year-old son asked me what I most wanted to see at the zoo.  I told him that I’d like to see the koalas but I most wanted to see the birds of prey as they are my favorite animals (besides seahorses and butterflies...and alpacas).  He said, “Then we will make sure you see them Mommy!”  He, obviously, is the peacemaker in the family and not one of the stubborn ones.   Yes, it’d be nice but  I reminded him that the zoo trip is about the kids, not the adults and I’d be fine seeing my birds of prey up close on YouTube in the comfort of my own home, minus all the other zoo-goers.

It is possible to meet your needs while also allowing for the happiness and strivings of others.  You can be your own advocate and do what you want in time.  It takes creativity, perseverance, and resilience.  And patience.  And, most importantly, the realization that it might not be reciprocated back to you.   That's okay though.  In a perfect world, we'd all support each other.  It's not a perfect world but that doesn't give you an excuse to act out.

I learned this as an adult.  And I see other adults who never learned this or completely ignored it.   I’m hoping to save my children the trouble of many years of self-inflicted chaos borne from being too pushy.  I might just be pissing into the wind.  They may be too young to get it.   I’m hoping, though, that I’m planting a seed.  Only time will tell.

Show Up

Show up.  Even when you’re tired.  Even if you’re not feeling at the top of your game.  Especially if you have nothing more to give.  

Just keep showing up.  Be willing.  Depending on (impermanent….all things are impermanent) life or global events, you may have no hope left.  Still, show up.

Expect nothing but still give all you can.  Even if all you’ve got to give is your presence.

This is tricky.  Because when we give all we can and really bring it in life, not everyone responds to that.  I’m not saying they are necessarily adverse to it, but it’s a lot to deal with it, especially if there is a lot going on in their lives.  We’re all busy and running at a fever pitch.  Some people love this and it is not necessarily a bad thing.  In excess though...we tend to get cranky with each other.

So you may not get a response from people.  And your own life circumstances may be slow to respond as well.  Still bring it.  Still show up.

Because, the thing is, you only have one chance at this life.  Even if you believe in reincarnation, you still only get one go-around in this exact life.  And if you give up (and giving up is a slippery ass slope….) there will be no change.  None.

I saw someone call someone else a “defeatist” on Facebook today.  (Definition of “defeatism” per Merriam-Webster:  "An attitude of accepting, expecting, or being resigned to defeat”)

It stopped me in my tracks.  Because truth be told, for various reasons, I’m feeling pretty world-weary/people-wary/life-exhausted right now.

This is my slippery slope and I must be extra-mindful right now to pull myself up by my bootstraps and save myself from it.  No one else can do that for me.  They can listen and try to help but when it comes right down to it we are responsible for saving ourselves.

But, hell no.  I won’t go.  Defeat isn’t even on my radar.  It used to be.  And I let a little blip of defeat in and it took up the whole damn screen and approximately 15 years of my life.  It’s insidious that way.

So the choice is your’s.  Are you going to keep showing up, even when you’re physically/emotionally/mentally tired?  Are you going to at least let down your guard just a little bit so if any good, does, by chance, want to slip in the welcome mat is out?

Will you continue to give your best? If you need to rest first so you’re not a complete reactive mess to everyone you encounter, then by all means rest.  Rest is paramount.

But keep showing up.  Good meets you halfway.

 

Curtain for my SPD kid

I'm a crafty-type person with a sensory kid. Isaac is four and he processes sensory input (and sometimes output) differently at times.  He overloads with too much stimulation.  He can't handle busy stores or malls.  He also recently had a meltdown at a holiday parade.  Sometimes its all just too much.  I think we can all relate, especially at this time of year.

What he needs (and might help us too) is a safe haven.  A comfy nest to fall back on when times get too stressful for whatever reason.

We recently received bunk beds and Isaac got the bottom bunk.  My husband, Phil, immediately came up with the idea to wrap a felt curtain around the bottom of the upper bunk providing Isaac with a hideaway that was soothing to his senses and not likely to be intruded upon by his siblings.  The felt would be soft and Isaac likes the texture.

Since he adores trains, quite madly, Phil also came up with the idea to cut out trains and railroad cars for him to place upon the felt and move around as he pleases.

Railroad car pattern on felt

Train and railroad car patterns on felt.

 

The curtain from afar...

Closer view

 

Close-up of the trains on the curtain.

 

Now he has a built-in fort aimed to soothe and comfort.  I'm pretty jealous!

Stay Calm

Even when it is scary.  Especially when it is scary.  Stay calm.

I hate unpleasant surprises.  I know---nobody likes them.  But I truly hate them.  I mean I actively try to guard against them.  I take actions to ensure they won't crop up: Double-checking insurance coverage, banking account balances, and if the knobs are in “off” position on the stove.

Back in November of 2003 I found myself in a panic. My husband's source of income stopped abruptly.  I worked part-time just to supplement what he made.  The announcement that his income was ceasing caused me to, initially, freak out. It was then that a wise and beautiful angel administered to my mental and emotional woes.

Barbara, an RN where I worked told me, "This is precisely the time to *not* panic!"

I thought she'd lost her damn mind.  To me, this was, incidentally PRECISELY the time to freak out.

But she was right.  When you panic you lose your mind.  Or at least some of its functionality.  If you're aiming to dumb yourself down, panicking is the right course of action.

Sometimes it is a knee-jerk reaction.  When I lose something I tend to flip out initially.  "Where is it? Where could it be? How could I lose it?"  But I never find what I'm looking for until I pray to St. Anthony.  Maybe it is just the act, though, of calming down enough to pray that gets me thinking in an orderly fashion.

Well all of this was fun to think about but I didn't have any real research to back up my "findings" until now.  The Institute of HeartMath is distributing a publication titled, "The Inside Story: Understanding the power of feelings," and on page 25 it states:

"Positive feelings and smooth, even heart rhythms, however, facilitate or improve the brain's ability to process information...." and "This means that our physical reflexes are faster and we can think more clearly.  We can see more options and solutions to problems and situations than we could before."

It is scientifically proven that the popular-again maxim to "keep calm and carry on" is truly timeless, solid advice.

 Now is not the time to lose your shit.

Water

So water makes up 2/3 of our body.  (Positive Energy by Dr. Judith Orloff)

That made me wonder about the work that Dr. Masaru Emoto has done with water using loving words and hateful words.  Once crystalized, the water reflects the emotion with which it was directed with. The loving words produce beautiful, intricate snowflake creations. Negative words produce a chaotic or sluggish formation. To see it is best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAvzsjcBtx8

Now, take what you like and leave the rest. I'm not here to plead this man's case.

But I do find this interesting with its implications towards how the words we speak (and probably the thoughts we think) effect the body.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to cut out more negative and embrace more positive.  What do you got to lose?

Golden Mean

I'm currently taking a parenting class for raising strong-willed children.  In this class they have taught us that we usually parent from one of two extremes.  At one end of the spectrum is the parent who wants to be nurturing, sensitive and responsive. At the other end is a more firm parent, authoritarian.  Neither one is bad, the spectrum measures normal parenting.

The goal is the middle.  The Golden Mean.  Happy medium.  It seems everyone is striving for balance these days. Books are written on the subject, websites devoted to its attainment.

The extreme end of things, however, are fertile grounds for learning about yourself and life.  It's a place for finding out what works and doesn't work.  You have to pay attention though.

How many times does a gymnast fall off the beam before she perfects the routine? From one side to the next, balance is being taught.

So sometimes people have to learn by falling to one end of the spectrum before they can bounce to the middle. It happens.

Happy medium is often found once you've exhausted all other options. Its the reward for learning.

Bookworm

Some don't understand why I would hang on to a book long after I've read it.  I'm a voracious reader always, but especially so when faced with a challenge in life. I set about finding a corresponding manual to whatever I'm going through.  My family of origin are born book lovers.  Suffice it to say, I was raised to love books.  Havens for the downtrodden, hope for the masses.  Books are just plain awesome.

The thing is: When I go about finding this special book that will either inform, advise, make me laugh out loud or comfort me I am always surprised.  It isn't in the typical spot.

You might go instantly to the inspiration section, desperate to get someone's advice.  Someone who's been wherever you're at.   Or the memoirs.  Perhaps you simply just want to find something, anything.  Help.

Here is my little tip for you: Just get something.  It doesn't matter which one really, because once you open up to wanting to learn the info, it will find you.  Maybe not always.

But enough.

Say you're female (just in case you're not) and you're pregnant.  And, well, you're also a bit freaked out.  Especially about how big you're going to get and all the strange shit that goes down and affects your body (your body is now "our" body!).  Take a deep breath.

Go get yourself that pregnancy encyclopedia (that, more often than not, will freak you out worse)...but give in and indulge your monkey mind...that crazy lizard brain part of you that must prepare, prepare, plan, sort and generally chatter away at you.  Satisfy that urge and just get it out of the way.  Read a few pages.

But then remain open.  Because you're going to find that one thing you need to hear or read in the craziest of places.  I wouldn't say it's an open-the-book-close-your-eyes-and-point-at-some-random-section-type of divination.  I'm just saying.  It happens on its own accord.

Maybe an example might help.  I recently went all frontal-lobe on finding info about solitude and retreats.  I think, "Well, I've got my info and I'm ready to do this.  I got this."  I've researched retreat centers, practices and even did a written exercise detailing my perfect retreat experience.  But just for fun, I decided to pick up a copy of Annie Dilliard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek.

This book is amazing.  Just reading it feels like going on a retreat. Which is good, because the actual likelihood of a retreat anytime soon is pretty nil.  (See Profile: mother of five)

It isn't so much the book, I'm saying here, as it is the open mind that you have while approaching your question.  Or desire for assistance, validation, or recognition of what you're currently experiencing.

Because the message you need will find you.  In maybe an unlikely, odd way and place.

So those books on my shelf?  The ones I've actually read?  They contained a message at one time that helped me. The stories, poetry, inspiration that served me so well have more than earned their keep.  And should I ever want one of them again (yes, I've learned, but sometimes I forget) they are right there.  It's a comfort thing.