notes on a wayward son

I wanted to be mad when he told me he had ate my two deep-friend sugar donuts when he came home drunk last night.

But….

He told me while I was riding the high of watching him sign up for his high school diploma program at our local adult school.

So I sighed and said it was okay.

Later, he returned home from the store with my favorite candy because he could tell I was stressed out.

This is how this child keeps alive: Timing and generosity keep Grace on his side.

Also, I have too much sugar in my diet.

2011-2014

I can sum up all I've learned in the last 3 years with:

Don't react.
Don't react.
Don't talk yet.
Think.
Breathe.
Think more.
Now do the thing/say the thing that will make you proud.
Build.
Smile.
Give it your all.
Love yourself.
Enjoy yourself.
Embrace others.
Treat good people well.
Lift others up.
Protect good people.
Forgive, but never forget.
Laugh....as much as you can.
Hug. Or otherwise connect appropriately.

What Reading Your Old Journal Does

1. Some worries never change.

2. Things do eventually get easier.  Or you get better dealing with them.

3. Some gripes never change and that's oddly comforting.  You realize how petty they are, merely things that get at you but won't cause you actual harm.  Sometimes these annoying things fade away only to surface once again in a few years and it will feel new again and you'll worry that you're losing your shit because he left the toilet seat up and lately that's *really* been bugging you.  But as it turns out, it bugged you 4 years ago too.  Somethings annoyances never change and those that go away can come back.  Just make peace with that shit.

5. As with annoyances above, hobbies, also, have a way of coming back around.

6. Self-defeating patterns.  I'm attached to the hubs.  I just am.  And I will always put hanging out with him ahead of time spent channeled towards a hobby. But this leaves me one-dimensional, brittle, hollow and not just a little bitchy.  I seem to have a pattern of this.  

7. I'm making progress down a road that seems to only get more fulfilling.

Avoidance

Avoidance

Whether you are facing a challenging time and just merely facing a regular day, you know a little something about avoidance.  Anytime we are faced with an unpleasant situation, we come face to face with avoidance.

We learn early how to protect ourselves physically.  We are taught to not touch a hot burner or we run the risk of a painful burn.  In the realm of social skills, we are taught to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.  I know I was.  The purpose of this was plain human decency but also to avoid painful interactions.  If everyone gets along, we all win.

Throughout life we are taught certain rules that help us avoid unpleasant events whether it be physically, emotionally, socially or mentally.  So it stands to reason that we don't really have a good policy on how to confront unpleasant situations other than avoidance. 

I understand this.  Due to a combination of life choices and unforeseen life events, my family has seen its fair share of challenging times.  I always try to rise to the occasion.  At first. 

But there always comes a time when I don't want to look at the bright side anymore.  I don't want to learn the lesson, even though I know I'm doomed to repeat it if I don't.  I don't want to go out and have fun.  All I want to do is absolutely, positively just sit on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and fall asleep.  I want to sleep until everything improves.  It is a reflexive impulse for me.  When life overwhelms me, I want to take shelter by way of napping. 

What about you?  Maybe you drink or eat when life gets to you.  Or watch a lot of TV, surf the web or play video games.  We all need to decompress at the end of a stressful day but when you find yourself doing these things frequently and avoiding what needs to be done, you have to wonder what is really at play.

I can give you reasons why avoidance is not generally a good thing detailing how it leads to ill health and depression but let's just cut to the chase.  We avoid things not because it is an actual effective way of dealing with them but because it feels like it works, if only temporarily. 

But it doesn't work.

Here's what does work;

1. Do Something-

Clean the house.  Go for a walk around the block.  Visit a friend for coffee.  Just get out of the rut.  You know the old phrase, “Use it or lose it?”  Well, it holds true for lots of things, not just muscle.  If you don't expend energy on a regular basis, you don't produce as much.  If you aren't actively using your brain, it starts to hibernate.  So what does this have to do with avoidance?  An active lifestyle boosts your outlook and self-perception.  You feel more able to accomplish tasks if you are already up and about and this includes tasks you otherwise would not like to do.  These intimidating tasks don't seem so scary when you are already up and going.  They shrink is size and are in direct proportion to your outlook.

2-Start Small

Starting small is a popular tactic and for good reason-it works. The thing is we get overwhelmed by projects that are big.  Or sometimes, and is more likely the case, we are overwhelmed by all the projects (big and small) that need working on.  This tends to freeze us in place. 

For some reason we think we must accomplish what we start in one sitting.  I know that is how I prefer to work.  I think on some level we're afraid that if we don't work from Point A to Point B in that one moment we will never get it done.  But in our busy lives this is a luxury.  It is rare to be able to start and finish a project in one day.  The very word “project” indicates that it will require at least a few steps until completion.

Another mental myth that keeps us from starting small is that we think we need to understand exactly what we need to do each step of the way before we even start.  Rarely is this the circumstance in life.  More common are the circumstances where we can only guess at the next right move.  Being able to see five moves ahead is quite uncommon.  You do not need to see the whole project before you start.  Start small with what is ahead of you.

3-Be realistic.

  Author Steven Pressfield says that at the end of the day he doesn't ask himself if he achieved a certain word count or page count.  He doesn't ask himself if what he wrote that day was good.  Instead, he simply asks himself if he overcame resistance.  That's all you have to ask yourself.  Did I overcome resistance today and do something that needed accomplishing? 

Avoidance is a useful mechanism that keeps out of danger, but it also can backfire.  Learn to tell the different between resistance for your own well-being and that which will only keep you in a rut.

Major in the good.

Some advice I read recently: "Don't major in the minor." Instantly I understood its implication.  

So much little shit making us so damned jaded, fragmented, tense, cranky.  So many minor little itty bitty pests that bite and sting at us during the day.  All of it minor, yet absorbing most of our daily attention.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if we would only notice the irritation (which is unavoidable anyway, nearly reflexive) but not tend to it.  Don't scratch the itch!  Don't go there.  Just leave the irritating driver and cranky customer where you found them.  Five seconds ago they weren't on your radar and there's no law that says that since you noticed the annoyance when it appeared on your radar, you have to personally keep it there.

Just leave that shit where you found it.  That's what mama and dad always said, right?

So if we're not majoring in minors (which makes you minor in the majors, hey?) we can....maybe....hopefully....surely with deliberate practice start majoring in the majors.  The Good Stuff.

I've always felt Gratitude Journals to be simplistic.  If I'm truly grateful, I will always list my husband, children, friends, family, home, food, heat.  And if I'm just doing the daily stuff like: My coffee, the book I'm reading, the green light when I was running late--I feel like I'm not really doing it right.  Surely, we should embrace whatever positive we can, in any shape we can.  BUT.....I didn't keep up the gratitude journal.

Until recently when I decided to keep a list (sometimes mental, sometimes written) of "what went good," or "Shit that made it good today."  This is the little moments that actually made my heart light up for a moment, a smile lift my face, all that good-good stuff.  

Like:

The nice barista

The patron that flirted with me (who wasn't homeless and/or on drugs),

The co-shopper I helped in line by assisting them while they corralled their kids,

The "how's it going?" check-in text from my spouse,

 A funny joke my teen messaged me,

....all THAT stuff.  

Yeah, major in that.  Live it in the moment and savor it long afterwards.  It makes me happy to do so and it might do you the same way.

Simple solutions

The Mister has bronchitis.  I'm 110% positive it is bronchitis.  If I was a doctor (and I think I should be, at least for home cases alone) I would diagnose it.   This cough has gone on for the past two weeks succeeding a week of the flu. Three weeks of hacking.  

He also does not want to go to the doctor (the fact that they can't even see him before the beginning of February doesn't help his outlook).  So I did a bit of searching and seeing how bronchitis is usually viral I figured maybe, just possibly, we'd be able to sort this particular mess out at home. With any luck.

I read what seemed like three dozen different remedies, but one that kept appearing on the scene was lemon water.  Whether as tea or fresh-squeezed into cold water, lemon water was persistently suggested. It can do all sorts of amazing things. (Knowledge is power, people).  

So we embark on this trial of lemon water with encouraging results already.  

I find this funny because I immediately assumed a cure or resolution would have to come in the form of a prescription.   I was not as educated on the manner as I believed.  

Although I don't always agree with my husband's preferred modus operandi of "wait and see," I will say that in that time I was able to get a little more resourceful and research it.  

And lo, a simple solution.

The thing with simple solutions, often, is that they only appear after you've exhausted yourself with more elaborate ones.

(still) Good

I was handling this Christmas like an adult so far.  I wasn’t looking for much for myself and instead was focused on one goal or, one gift you could say: Loving family togetherness.  If my children were pleased with their gifts, that would only be a bonus.

And I was sorta proud of myself.  This optimistic outlook was hard won.  It’s been a tough year for us as it has for so many, and it would have been SO easy to gripe or complain about lack of money or harp on other’s seemed materialism.  It amazed me that my top joy was going to be their joy.  All of it.  Was I finally an adult?

But as Christmas neared there was an interstate family argument.  The aired was cleared, wounds healed and we marched on.  Slightly worn.

And then there was the explosive child on Christmas day.  There always is.  And it’s usually one of mine. There was the worried sister and the upset mother.  There was the family awkward tension when you know each other.  Sort of. I mean, you know who they are in relation to you.  And you love them.  What you do know.  And you wished you could be closer.  Maybe.  But yeah….sort of awkward.  And then another child looks ill.  One looks sad. It was turning into a high-emotion type of Christmas.

And all I wanted for Christmas faded.  And I thought, “What is with this freakin’ lesson?!”

You know the one.  It happens like this: Life hands you lemons, and after kvetching about it a million times, one day you actually make lemonade.  You find the good.  You find possibilities.  And you get all giddy and happy about yourself.  You’ve graduated!  You finally got it.  You’re proud, but humble.

But then one day life delivers you lemons and, knowing what to do, you set off to make that lemonade.  You’re practically singing to yourself.  “Ha, I’ve got this!”  Lemonade is made.  You get up the next day for the next few weeks or months….and it still sucks.  Lemons keep coming and you’ve made SO MUCH DAMN lemonade.  I mean, you’ve been aces with this shit.  So, what.is.with.these.effin’.lemons.huh?

So what do you do?

[Sigh]

You stop yourself.  You re-assess.  Okay, “So,” I tell myself, “loving family togetherness might have been way too much to ask for this Christmas.”

And a little while later (sometimes it’s a day or so…sometimes it’s only an hour later) when things have calmed down ask, “What is good though?  What else is there that I’m overlooking?  What good can still be found?”

And you re-build from those materials.

I remembered my friend Julie giving me a gift earlier in the month on my birthday.  A little plastic kitten that plugs into the earphone jack on my cellphone because she had remembered.

She had first-person witnessed my flip out, an absolute morphing into a squealing five-year-old girl over one that a friend had.  And she said to herself, “I’m getting her that!”  That’s love.  That’s the kind of gift we all should get.

I remembered receiving employment at a place I really love working at.  I mean, I went to this place so often as a patron that I was already half-trained in the workings of it.  I’d been training all my life without knowing it.  What a gift!  No, it isn’t perfect, but damn, I think it’s as close to perfect for me as ever there could be on God’s green earth.

It’s hard right now.  But it is still so very good.

Because despite it all we need to see what is good.

It won’t necessarily keep the bad shit away.  But it makes sailing through it that much easier.

And we all could use a little smooth sailing in the shit seas of life.

So….what’s still good with you?